MasterChef Australia All StarsSun 7:30pm, Mon-Thu 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Super Happy Masterchef All Stars, everyone won and no one was eliminated, as love was spread all through the room, unfortunately spilling over the benches and onto the floor, creating a dangerous WH and S issue. Tonight, the perfect sausage!

It’s a super happy dawn as the super happy contestants wake up to breakfast, which appears neither super, nor happy It’s the first off site challenge, “out of the frying pan into the fire” is the only clue says Dani, suggesting some kind of giant props will be used. Hayden looks back to a time when he worked the mines, for about 24 hours, as Kate joins him at the mine, rudely invading his reminiscing. Red team, feeling slightly left out, enjoy a reminisce of their own, as Jonathan recalls the now infamous Italian restaurant challenge, which resulted in seven deaths from ebola, and twelve bankruptcies.

Outside is a “beautiful vintage fire truck” according to Julie, who admits she is in desperate need of a good fire truck. They get helmeted, which is not a euphemism for circumcision, as Callum rides shotgun, creating even more worries for the health and safety officer. The firies blatantly break several laws by putting on lights and sirens in a non emergency situation, before they arrive at firies college, next door to bovine university, being bravely protected from the Ice Man by Gary, George and Matt.

George starts with a serious message about kitchens and fires. “Every year some young women get married, and where would they be without a stripper dressed as a fireman on their hens night?” Then Gary says he wants to see “a great sausage with a condom”. Or perhaps he said condiment.

Julie said she has made skinless sausages since Masterchef, but nothing like when she handled Gary’s. Gary for his part thinks back to the Cronulla challenge of last year, when Kumar was forced to hide in the car, as the locals milled about looking for targets. Amazingly, we are all transported into Gary’s mind as we see the images of Cronulla that he is remembering, before a naked octogenarian chases a startlingly muscular goat across the beach. Let’s hope we don’t see what George is imagining.

George inevitably moves onto protein, as his many dinner party guests will attests to. Duck, lamb, beef or pork. But George tells them they can only choose one protein, and it’s done in the traditional way, by fire extinguisher. Red gets first choice, blue second, and yellow third. Callum chooses duck, much to everyone else’s confected amusement, while Julie opts for a pork (chuckle) and Kate takes lamb.

Gary tells them to remember what’s at steak, confusing them all because they thought they were making sausages. And then they’re off on their very own sausage fest, with Julie clutching a fire extinguisher for reasons only known to her.

Yellow starts by mincing the lamb meat, as Kate tells her team that her grandfather had 40% fat in his sausage, at least until the war. Callum adds pork fat to his duck mince, gleefully throwing caution and the warnings from the health profession about the dangers of saturated fats and salt in our diets, to the wind. Marion skates dangerously close to the edge of likely political assassination as she refers to some such ingredient being a “hero”, as nature’s true heroes, our firefighters, arrive for practice, causing an unknown contestant to make a goat noise. Callum looks back to a time when he cooked for the armed forces, almost single handedly leaving Australia unprotected from the hoards of boat people arriving from Foreign, as Gary gets excited watching him massage his meat. Meanwhile, Jonathan indulges himself in the fruit section.

Julie tries to convince everyone that “you want something sweet and sticky with your sausage”, while Matt tells Kate that every sausage they’ve had on the show has been “sawdusty”, when in fact he’s just thinking about that time he went down on Pinocchio. Kumar remembers doing a sausage sizzle for the little nipples or something. It appears that everyone has lost their minds.

Yellow team are shocked to discover that their meat is too dry, while over at blue team Julie effortlessly stirs with one hand and shakes sauce into a pot with the other hand, proving that those years going to swingers parties have not gone wasted. Dani begins to affix the worlds longest condom, while Marion expresses her love for Jonathan’s chutney. While all this is going on, the firies set fire to things deliberately, as their deep seated arsonistic desires go unchecked.

While chaos explodes all around them the judges stand in the middle like some latter day standing men, discussing the relative merits of each team. But with only 52 minutes to go the firies attempt to rescue someone trapped in a stairwell, who was actually there just hiding out from Bieber Fever. Justine gleefully remembers an experience she had with an exploding sausage, so the blue team have decided to poach their sausages before leg crossingly popping them on the barbecue. Dani tries a sausage with a side order of hair, and concludes that the poached sausage is juicier. For red, their sausage ends are coming oozing free, so Marion and Aaron have to keep pumping them out. Meanwhile, the firies cut open a giant can of sardines.

Callum says there are black and yellow jackets everywhere, as the annual convention of idiots wearing beards and suits of bees hits town. Notwithstanding the obvious dangers, the judges try the sausages. The yellow sausage is a hit amongst the judges, while the duck sausage proves popular for its rarity. For the blue team, the less said about their sausage the better, which is unfortunate because the judges end up saying a lot.

With the sausages all eaten and the votes in Gary gets serious for a moment as he thanks the firies for saving us so many times, even though most of us have never actually been saved by them. But once the contractual obligation of praising one rescue service every episode is out of the way, the scores are announced. The blue team is third, which causes Julie immense embarrassment, while red and yellow team finish equal first, leaving everyone wondering who came second. Red team are named the actual winners, by virtue of the fact that Matt wanted to wake with their sausage in his face, and have it for breakfast.

Tomorrow, more super happy fun stuff as the contestants revisit an old friend: the mystery box!