MasterChef AustraliaSun 7:30pm; Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
Last night on Masterchef, it was my big fat Hindu wedding, as an unassuming couple put their faith and the destiny of their marriage into the hands of the contestants in return for cut price catering and a free video of the wedding. Tonight, the members of the losing team return to headquarters in an elimination challenge involving cakes, cakes and more cakes!

It’s morning in the Masterchef house as Ben packs his seventeen pairs of smalls and cabbage patch dolls. He says that the best way to describe him at the moment is “numb, dead, dull” and for once I agree with him. He doesn’t think there was any loser the night before but it doesn’t matter what he thinks. Meanwhile, Emma says she wants to open up her own little pastry shop, for little people with little appetites and big fat wallets.

They arrive at HQ and Gary asks Wade and Emma how they feel being in their second elimination in two weeks. Somewhat confused, Wade tells Gary that “I still feel with my hands generally, occasionally my feet, and on rare, and special occasions, with my…”” before Gary interrupts him and saves us all from the mental image of Wade touching things with his penis. Oh, there it is!

“The cake shop” says Preston, unprompted, and magically lots and lots of cakes come out. “They just keep coming and coming and coming” says Tregan, briefly describing a pornographic film she and Deb had watched the night before. Beau says that cakes are “literally” his worst nightmare, lacking the imagination to conjure a fear greater than soft, sweet, creamy sponge.

“Your survival depends on how well you can name that cake” says Preston, drawing on some of the worst excesses of the Mugabe regime. Wade expresses his confidence: “I was a fat kid and I know my cakes” though doesn’t allow for the possibility that he got fat eating the same cake over and over again. “I’m not in to cakes” says Beau, completing the triumvirate of idiotic statements for this paragraph.

“Thirty one cakes and you’ve got to name them all” says Gary.”The first two to get a cake wrong go into the second, and final, knockout round. So, piece of cake” he continues, and oddly is allowed to live.

Kylie picks a carrot cake correctly. Beau nominates a fruit cake and is right. Ben becomes annoyed that people keep picking the cakes he wants, as Deb points out a Victoria sponge cake with ease. Ben knows his New York cheese cake, while Wade gets red velvet. Tregan gets the black forest cake right despite Gary’s misdirection, before Emma picks up a cake that’s covered in chocolate. She says chocolate mud cake, but it’s not at all a chocolate mud cake and Emma is into the final elimination round. In a shocking turn of events she starts to cry. Amina selects something she’s eaten kilos of, which is orange and poppy seed. Kylie and Deb get their second cakes right, and then Ben picks Emma’s failure cake, saying that “putting the cake in my mouth, everything I thought I knew disappears” as he forgets how to breath and passes out.

When he comes around, Gary asks him what the cake is, Ben says to camera “at that point I was literally looking for somewhere to hide” even though he was looking straight at Gary. If we take him at his word, he was seriously considering hiding in Gary’s skull! I would wager George’s would have more room though. Ben says chocolate devils cake, which he has clearly made up on the spot, and as such he’s wrong, so he joins Emma in the second and final round as Emma cries even more. The piano plays softly as her sinuses begun to block from all the mucus being produced. “This is the worst scenario at any stage of the competition”. Worse than when Mario bit the head off that rat and transferred it to Alice’s mouth via a passionate French kiss? Apparently so.

But Ben has something to say: “I came onto Masterchef to learn” as the others say don’t do it. “Emma came on to win, and she has to be here to do that” he points out, though it’s arguable that her chances of winning would improve if she wasn’t there. “I will miss this, I really will, but I’m not cooking against Emma. If it saves here I’m pulling out of the elimination.” Then Beau says he’ll take Emma’s spot, as Masterchef jumps the shark, turns around, runs back and shoves a cake right up that shark’s arse.

But Gary’s having none of it. He asks Emma if she’s prepared to cook. Ben says the judges have made it clear that if he pulls out someone else will be selected, so after all that unnecessary rubbish, they have to cook anyway. To rub salt into the wound, you need salt and a wound, but in this case Emma and Ben have to cook a cake, the very item that brought them both undone.

The contestants start the process of cake making, with Ben producing a Mexican inspired cake, and Emma going for a vanilla layered cake. The judges talk about the cakes they love. “We should have some great cakes on our hands” says Gary, as he looks down at his cake less hands and wonders why they don’t, before his hands disappear in a raging inferno.

When we return the red team receive their reward, as one of the three musketeers shows them how to “sweat” onions. Alice speaks and kittens die en masse. Back at HQ, George describes Emma as fluffy and vanillary. Gary says Emma and Ben are just like brother and sister, in particular like Greg and Marcia Brady, who were rumoured to have had a brief affair while eating all the cakes. Emma takes her sponge out but it’s all wrong and she gets frazzled, as she says she’s seriously flustered, but I’d argue if she’s any ‘f’ word it’s f**ked.

With her second batch she’s praying to god she doesn’t over cook it, instead of making sure she doesn’t over cook it. Kylie says she’s flustered because she’s cooking against Ben and can’t focus. Ben says he’s trying not to look over at Emma. HELLO! Gary points out to Emma that using gelatine instead of Hagar the Horrible makes broken jelly from a broken home, as she throws out another concoction that has failed.

After a break, Gary says it’s crunch time, which usually occurs about quarter to four as a famished Preston devours the gravel driveway. George reminds Emma what Gary already said about gelatine breaking up with heat, the relationship always doomed to failure. Emma says the confidence she had is starting to evaporate but it’s more likely it’s leaked out her tear ducts. Amina opines that all Emma has to do is put up a beautiful cake. If only Emma would listen, instead of trying to bake a cake the image of Marty Feldman!

Meanwhile, Ben is concerned about his cake smelling eggy, but then he slaps himself across the face to avoid a loss of confidence. Gary comes over and also has a go. He decides to make a smaller cake first, as hungry dwarves mill around hoping for a taste. He says the raspberries will speak for themselves, and they’ll probably call their agent and ask why he booked them onto a second rate reality television show.

Ben skewers his cake and it comes out clean, while Emma is happier with her next batch of cakes. She says it gives her confidence to keep pushing through. With 15 minutes to go she feels everything is coming together as Emma looks over at Ben, who is laying his Victoria cake, and she wonders why it can’t be her. But before she knows it she’s plating up as the 5 minute call comes, while Ben tries to channel Lorraine Bailey, but can only think of her breasts as he makes two perfect cupcakes with a single cherry atop each. They finish in a frenzy of cream, before collapsing into each other’s arms.

After a break it’s time for tasting and judging. “A battle between friends, brother and sister” says Gary, skating awfully close to the incest question. Kylie says Ben and Emma are really good cooks, proving the old adage: “what a f**kwit”.

George tastes Emma’s and likes the balance of sweetness and acidity as his oesophagus is singed by the addition of Draino. Preston thinks the cake could have been a little lighter, or even a little packet of matches. Gary admits he thought the raspberries would be silly, but he enjoys them. Still, he believes the cake is messy.

Ben is next. Preston cuts in as the raspberries tumble to the side. He says it’s very clever, and would taste like Fidel Castor if Fidel Castro were a cake. But he’s not; he’s a dictator, so the comparison is at best unhelpful. George compares the look of Ben’s cake to something he made at schools, but thinks the flavour is better than anything he produced at that stage of his life.

Coming back from a break, it’s time. And it’s a unanimous decision according to Preston. As he describes the competing cake, it’s obvious who’s won, and it is in fact Ben, a result that neither competitor seems happy with. Emma says that “in my wildest dreams I never would have done the things that I’ve done, like cooking cakes and going to Tasmania. God I have some boring dreams. If I can’t win it I want Ben to win it.” Ben says that Emma will gain every bit of expertise and confidence she needs to live her dream, so long as her dream doesn’t involve any cooking. After a brief retrospective Emma hugs the judges and ruins all their lapels with moisture, before a quick but passionate embrace with Brother Ben.

As she leaves she’s no longer crying, devoid as she is of all moisture. “Some day soon in Adelaide there is going to be a really little dessert bar” says Emma, as she plans to carve a lucrative niche out of the ‘little people’ market.

As Ben returns there are hugs and tears aplenty, unlike when Filippo left. Mindy calls for three cheers for Em, as there are more hugs, and a quick outbreak of fisticuffs. Meanwhile, Emma arrives home with her bag full of wet ones to a surprisingly happy family, The end credits inform us she has been working in a patisserie as she continues her plans to take over little dessert bars. She has also started a small business offering steady precipitation to drought ravaged farmers.