Farmer Wants A WifeWed/Thu 8pm, Ch9
Somehow I’ve managed to wait out the week and finally it’s time for the season finale of Farmer Wants A Wife. All our questions will be answered. Who will the farmers choose? Does Paul still exist? Will Fiona and Shauna realise that Tom is a dropkick and dropkick him? All this and more will be revealed after the stupidest choice of a theme song ever plays for the final time this year…

“I feel so close to you right now, it’s like a forcefield.” Bob Dylan, eat your heart out.

We’re back where it all started, in Byron Bay or somewhere, I wasn’t really listening. Natalie appears, all willowy and beautiful and says some words about love and farmers. The farmers arrive in clean shirts and start drinking beer. They and we are treated to a video montage of the girls and the kissy face. Everyone is spared Tom’s shameful bathtime shenanigans but get to hear him rationalise kissing all the girls to Nikko. “They’re potential wives, you’ve got to test them out.” He’s probably just trying to be funny but I’m still mad from last week. Cad.

Natalie appears and BRILLIANT, Nikko is going first. I’m dying to know who he chooses. We shortly relive Nikko’s happy time with the girls on the farm. Sparkly Rachel, quiet Jade – either way he’s getting a looker. As lovely as Jade seems, I can’t help hoping he chooses Rachel and they end up on another reality TV show for me to watch. Selfish, yes, but don’t tell me they wouldn’t rock ‘Don’t Tell The Bride.’ Back on the couch, Natalie and Nikko are talking about feelings and growing as a person and all that jazz. Nikko is recounting how he was very keen on Jade but Rachel was constantly surprising him with her cheeky ways. Nikko attempts to play the I-didn’t-kiss-Rachel-she-kissed-me card to Natalie’s hilarious disdain, which makes me think that a brunette is coming down those stairs. Sure enough, Jade sweeps down the stairs looking incredibly beautiful and even though I’m a bit disappointed for Rachel (and myself) Nikko does look like the happiest bloke alive. Jade looks pretty happy herself. How did it happen? Cue video.

Well, Nikko got into a car wearing a nicer flannie than usual and drove to the big smoke. Jade is in the middle of a yoga class when Nikko awkwardly – is there any other way on this show? – surprises her. Jade is delighted, telling him she thought he would be visiting Rachel. In classic FWAW tradition, Nikko good-humouredly gets out of his comfort zone and joins Jade for a spot of yoga. Back on the couch, we establish that they like each other and Natalie will score an invite to the wedding. A montage of the two of them kissing ends a charming, if slightly dull, love story.

It’s slow-motion Todd’s turn. He had two lovely girls at the end of his farm stay but has betrayed nothing more than a passing fancy for either. No passionate bath-taking on that farm. I’m willing to bet he chooses Jenna – if only because he said Leah was like a brother to him – but it could go still go either way. There was no kissing to relive so instead we enjoy a short montage of shirtless Todd, g-string Todd, inappropriate-jokes Todd and everyone drooling over Todd. We jump back to the couch and Natalie begins the love interrogation. Is it hard being a hot surfer, Todd?

Surprisingly, Todd opens up immediately, saying that he finds it hard to start things up with girls because he’s worried that when they get to know him, they’ll be bored and that he has nothing to offer. Natalie misses the point entirely and immediately tells him again that’s he’s hot and Todd explains to her that physical attraction isn’t everything. I feel like the conversation should be other way around? Todd recounts why he likes his two girls, you know, nice, pretty, shared interests, etc. Who does he visit? He drives to the city… he walks up the path… he knocks on the door… Hello Jenna! They embrace with arms (rather than say, tongues) but you still get the idea that there’s a bit of attraction there.

Todd and Jenna head out for fun in Perth. They kick around markets and the beach while Todd frets about the tyranny of distance and relocation. But he likes her. And Jenna likes him. Jenna thinks they should just like each other and see where it goes. It’s all very sweet. Back to Nat, and Jenna comes down the stairs to a smiling Todd. They all have a chat about liking each other and enjoy a montage of the two of them hanging out. It’s not the most intense Farmer love story, despite Natalie’s best attempts to frame it as all magical and romantic, but it’s realistic and nice and I hope it works out for them.

Our next farmer is Matt, who we don’t really care about anymore. He’ll probably pick Brittany because you know, she’s so deep and she keeps getting kissy face with him and wrote him that song before she met him. Or maybe he’ll go for his mum’s choice Jasmine, who seems nice but had about three minutes of airtime so she’s pretty much an enigma to the viewer. An ad break keeps us in suspense, or would if we cared, which we don’t and he’s chosen… oh, we don’t know yet more chats with Nat… he’s going on about how beautiful Brittany is and how she was willing to do all the dirty jobs (?) and Jasmine was popular with his friends and oh my goodness hurry up… down the stairs comes – Jasmine. Wow.

I’m actually really surprised. Matt reckons that the 24 hour date completely made his mind up and they discuss how much they like each other. Am I missing something? Did the cameras just not get this? It’s nice and all but did anyone see even a glimmer of passion between them? Who is Jasmine????? This is infuriating. Okay, so, lovely, good choice Matt, I care a little bit now, mainly because this is the most I’ve seen of Jasmine so far and have only just discovered that she seems pretty cool. Montage. The city visit involved floating around in a row boat with some very nice kissy face and I’m suddenly swept away by their love story now. What can I say, I’m fickle.

We relive Paul and Vanessa’s joint meltdown as he comes down the stairs to explain himself. Prepare for a lot of he-said-she-said. Nat questions his commitment to the program and Paul says he’s ready to find love, inexplicably, and they start talking about Vanessa’s obvious affection for both Paul and his farm, Gnarloo. Paul says he was overwhelmed by her love and energy. Nat shows him the clip that made us all die inside, where Paul dropped the I’m-not-ready bombshell over a candlelit dinner. Paul explains that he was completely floored by that night and Nat begins to twist the knife, talking about this beautiful special woman offering Paul her heart and him stomping on it. (I’m paraphrasing.)

Paul defends himself, explaining that he was devastated that Vanessa left but was just shocked at the option of marriage surfacing so quickly. Nat asks why he didn’t chase after Vanessa and tell her how he felt. Paul says that he did… this is NEWS… no good. Vanessa refused to give Paul her phone number and he is hoping that she will seek him out sometime, in a more relaxed situation. He says she’s lovely, and it seems like she’s really touched him, despite all the drama. I hope she calls him.

It’s time for Tom, the shenanigan man, to finally find the spine and pick a girl. He committed himself to both women last night, ensuring that whoever doesn’t get chosen will have their heart completely and comprehensively ripped out. Tom appears and Nat doesn’t punch him, proving that I can’t do telepathy. Tom talks about how emotional and difficult it was for him, leading on vulnerable women and crying about it and kissing everyone who moved. We relieve the kissing, the crying, the promises and Tom’s descent from nice awkward farmer to Randolph from Madame Bovary. (If you’ve not read it, that’s a hilarious joke, trust me.)
So who does Tom choose?

Something different is happening. Tom isn’t on his way to surprise a lady, but instead going to meet someone who wants answers. What? Oh goodness. The rejected lady knows she’s rejected and is going to yell at him. Oh my goodness, all my dreams are coming true. And we get to watch it before all the happy love montage stuff. He’s walking into a hotel bar and there’s a pair of ominously clacking high heels belonging to… Shauna. He’s picked Fiona and Shauna wants answers. Tom launches into apologies and straight into “Ohhh, Apollo Bay was so special and magical and I fell for you so hard…” What the hell is with this guy? Shauna immediately starts crying, poor girl, and tells him that if it was so great then okay, they could have that all the time. See Tom? See how telling someone how you super like them DOESN’T CONVEY THAT YOU DON’T? SEE HOW YOU’RE ONLY MAKING YOURSELF FEEL BETTER? This guy. Selfish doesn’t even begin to describe it. Shauna asks him if he actually knows what he wants in a girl and Tom says he was really confused by everything. She should be yelling and he should be owning his decision. Shauna wants to know if his decision is 100%. Tom manages to choke out that it is and Shauna shows him what maturity is by telling him that she cares about him enough to want the best for him. She leaves, teary but dignified. He slinks away.

Cue back to the couch and all I can hope is that Fiona has caught wind of this and ditched this loser. Nat congratulates him without a trace of irony on being a man and telling Shauna face-to-face. Tom explains that he knew he owed it to her to tell her in person, you know, gotta do the tough thing and be honest. What a guy. Tom begins to describe everything he loves about Fiona – her honesty, her directness, her comfort in being who she is. Clearly opposites attract.

Tom rocks up on her doorstep with a huge bunch of roses and Fiona is delighted. She’s lovely and I hope he grows a spine and maybe even a conscience so he can begin to deserve her. He tells her that she’s the only girl left, that she’s swept him off his feet and there’s no one else. This would usually go without saying with the flowers and the visit and all, but in his case probably important for him to spell out.

Fiona is taking Tom to meet his friends and Tom manages not to promise to marry any of them, so it goes fairly well. They kiss at sunset. Back at the homestead, Fiona comes down the stairs and embraces Tom. She’s glowing and it’s great to see her happy, in the way that you have to pretend to like your friend’s obnoxious boyfriend who isn’t good enough for her. Fiona says that she’s in love and Tom has some feelings that he doesn’t deserve. They talk about moving in and getting married which would be super touching if he hadn’t had this conversation with Shauna too.

Onto Sam and Jodie. Sam seems rough and silly but has proven himself an eloquent and romantic man. Jodie has also proved herself as more than the token pretty girl swinging on a stripper pole for ‘exercise’. Sam begins his couch chat by talking about how he can’t think of anything that would make a man prouder than having his wife by his side. I manage not to tear up until he says that “A good woman can give a man just, incredible strength…” and I’m gone. I don’t want to marry him myself but it’s incredibly sweet, he’s clearly completely smitten with Jodie. He talks about the instant attraction, the sparkle in Jodie’s eyes and it’s time for us to see his city visit. Sam drove to Sydney to see his girl. He surprises her with a sheepish “G’day” and there’s a big hug and some whispering and smiling and everyone is happy. Especially me.

Jodie – who works at Flight Centre – makes Sam take a call and book some flights. Then it’s off to Jodie’s pole dancing ‘fitness’ studio to see her ‘exercise’ routine. Sam has a good go but mainly just enjoys watching Jodie display her mad pole dancing skills. He’s very impressed with her athleticism and is looking forward to some more private displays of fitness. In fact, he considers fitness so important that he thinks they may have to get a pole installed at home. I’m not tearing up anymore but it’s nice that they’re happy.

Back in wherever they are, Jodie’s coming down the stairs and Sam gathers her up for some more kissy face. They seem crazy about each other and it’s all touching and giggling and gazing. Jodie admits that she’s falling in love and Sam says “ditto” and while they’re not sure how they’re going to handle the distance, you get the idea this might be the one that lasts.

The final scene, as ever, is the farmers gathered together with their girls for some laughing and dancing and kissing and for at least a few hours – until tomorrow’s papers ruin it – we can pretend that they’re all madly and happily in love.

Except Tom. Cad.