Farmer Wants A WifeWed/Thu 8pm, Ch9
It’s the last day on the farms and the last chance for all the ladies to smile, hug, allure, bikini, cry and SING (?!!) their way into the hearts of their rugged farmers. Also tonight, the delicious, terrible fall-out from last week’s overnight dates. But first – “I feel so close to you right now…” Stupid song. Anyone remember Farmer Paul?

We’re down in Apollo Bay while Tom and Shauna are going for one last walk on the beach. Tom is seemingly smitten, kissing her and assuring her without reservation that she’s the one he’ll be visiting when the farmers make their final choices. Shauna is understandably convinced that she and Tom are on the same page and falling pretty hard for each other. She seems entirely confident that Fiona is out of the picture. Tom talks about how special their night was and given that the cameras were allowed in to film the bath, it can only be assumed that things went further later on. Tom apologises to Shauna for being so torn about committing up til this point. If he so much as looks twice at Fiona back at the farm, all hell is going to break through, and rightfully so. This bodes well for no one.

Over in Ballarat, we recall that Matt enjoyed a pleasant evening with Jasmine but told her he finds Brittany really interesting. I’m not even going to touch that one. They’re heading back to the farm and both are optimistic but non-committal about their potential to get together. Brittany has spent the morning getting her hair done and beautifying her face and is hoping that absence has made Matt’s heart fonder. Given that she appears constantly with hair and makeup done and ridiculous false eyelashes, it’s not exactly a transformation, but Matt’s impressed because… well he’s a boy, and he knows he’s supposed to be impressed. Jasmine – who looks lovely, by the way – feels threatened and rightfully so, because Matt grabs his tiny little dog and heads inside with Brittany, leaving Jasmine to carry in five bags by herself. What a catch. They all enjoy some awkward small talk until Brittany bizarrely asks Jasmine to go change for some farm work. Jasmine bizarrely doesn’t slap her.

Down on Bruny Island, Jenna is decking out Todd’s room with balloons and streamers for his birthday. Despite an awkward date last night (“shut up and eat your soup”) Leah is beginning to fall for Todd and has given him a drawing of his dog for his birthday. He gives her a big hug and is touched to get something more personal than socks and jocks.

Nikko and Jade are heading back from their overnight date and at this point, it seems like Nikko has well and truly settled on Jade. In his absence however, Rachel has been working hard on the farm in an effort to show she belongs. It probably didn’t hurt that she washed his ute in a bikini, either. Things are looking good for Rachel when Nikko admits that he’s excited about seeing her, saying that she’s the bright light in the corner that “you’re always looking for”. Rachel greets them calmly and pleasantly, noting that Nikko isn’t carrying Jade’s bag. Rachel proudly explains that she stuck her arm in a cow. Jade begins to look worried and rightfully so. Nikko is very impressed that the girl he thought would be the princess of the group has thrown herself into real farm work. Rachel seals the deal with the photos of her washing the ute in her bikini. Nikko knows she’s trying to get one up on Jade but clearly doesn’t care. Nikko and Jade begin to talk about how beautiful Magnetic Island but Rachel will have none of it and interrupts, telling Nikko, ‘You’ll have to take me there sometime.’ This girl knows what she wants. Jade is understandably annoyed, hoping that Nikko won’t fall for Rachel’s schemes and cute smiles. Rachel hopes he will.

Anyone remember Farmer Paul?

Farmer Tom has arrived back at his farm, presumably to inform Fiona that his heart and faith are now engaged to Fiona. Instead, he is overwhelmed by affection at the sight of her. Tom, you are so dead. It’s awkward city and Fiona is desperate for information. Tom tells her they can go for a spin in the tractor together later and Shauna is incredibly displeased. Tom seems to realise he’s in a crisis situation and goes after Shauna when she heads outside to unpack the car. Tom tells Shauna that he wants to have a chat to Fiona about last night and that she probably deserves a bit of alone time with him. Shauna still has faith in Tom’s affection but is ropable.

Farmer Sam and Jodie are returning from their romantic 24 hour date. Ellen has been enjoying her time alone and loving her time in the outback but is starting to feel like the third wheel. It’s pretty clear now that Jodie and Sam had something pretty serious going on (in and out of the tent) before last week’s romance-a-thon. In an entirely classy move, Ellen has decided to leave to give them some space. She leaves an affectionate note and heads off before they return to avoid a scene. Jodie and Sam are sorry to see her go but clearly very happy to have more time alone together.

Back at Farmer Nikko’s farm, Rachel and Nikko are about to go for a ride. Nikko acknowledges that Rachel is still very much in the running, with her cheek and charm. He lifts her onto her horse, which she is clearly uncomfortable on. Rachel’s horse takes off at a run and freaks her out completely and with points for trying, she dismounts. They settle in on a favourite FWAW cliché – sundrenched tree log in the middle of a field – for Rachel to find out where Nikko stands. Nikko tells Rachel he enjoyed time alone with Jade but he’s still undecided about who he wants. Nikko assures her that he’s definitely still interested, citing her fun, outgoing nature and sex appeal. Rachel is very pleased.

Down at Todd’s farm, the birthday boy arrives in trademark slow motion. He follows a trail of cornflakes leading to his bedroom which is all birthday-ed out with food and decorations. Jenna and Todd flirt over a carpet picnic while Leah sweeps up the cornflakes. Jenna gives Todd a present complete with notes in each layer of wrapping. Hilariously, it’s socks. Todd is chuffed that one of the notes says ‘I really like you’ and despite his inability to show every a modicum of emotion, it seems like Jenna might be more likely girlfriend material than his ‘brother’ Leah.

Back in Shepparton, Tom and Fiona are out on the tractor. Fiona knows something is up and starts asking why Shauna didn’t get much sleep the night before. Tom says something vague about the pub and Fiona warns him not to lead her on. She doesn’t mind him spending time with Shauna but clearly if he’s slept with her, it’s a deal-breaker. They dismount from the tractor to talk about it properly.

Fiona asks him straight out if he’s slept with Shauna and he says no. He says it’s a good sign that they – Tom and Fiona – clearly have the same values and every woman watching mentally punches him. Nice guy Tom has been teetering on the precipice of being an untrustworthy jerk the past couple of episodes and so far, with kindness, it can be chalked up to emotion and changing his mind. He’s finally pushed it to the limit and anything short of declaring his attachment to Shauna at this moment in time will send him hurtling into the abyss of jerkiness. Let’s see what he does.

Down he goes. He tells Fiona he was incredibly nervous that his night with Shauna would have ruined his chances with her. He tells her that that’s it, he really wants them to make a go of it on the farm together, ‘what’s mine is yours kind of thing.’ Fiona is overwhelmingly happy, music plays, they embrace and Tom talks about how ecstatic he is about winning Fiona’s heart and says he’s 100% sure now. REALLY? REALLY?

IS HE DRUNK? Does he not realise what’s happening? Don’t be happy! It’s not happy time! Shauna is going to RIP HIS FACE OFF. If he actually has chosen Fiona now! This man is promising commitment to everyone in sight. He’s probably going around to the entire production crew and asking them to move in with him! Is he engaged to that tractor? Is that a promise ring I see on that cow?
Sam takes Jodie to go see his giant cattle truck. Jodie is extremely turned on by the truck, proving that she really, really likes Sam.
Anyone remember Farmer Paul?

In Queensland, Nikko has taken his girls out for a sunset campfire. Jade is emotional about the farm stay ending, as it surprisingly has been one of her best weeks ever. Despite the intensely romantic 24 hour date, Jade is extremely worried about Nikko having all the power and the chance of outgoing Rachel overshadowing her. Jade is quietly beautiful, Rachel is sparkling and bright – Nikko really has a difficult choice. Both seem to have genuine affection for Nikko.

At Matt’s farm, Brittany is being obnoxious again and interrogating Jasmine about kissing Matt. They’re cooking dinner for their final evening at the farm and Brittany asks Jasmine to mind the steaks while she takes Matt off for some private bedroom time. Brittany explains that she’s very romantic (and deep) and loves Disney and can’t wait to write her own love story. Eugh. She tells Matt that she thought it was time she showed him the real her.

Disappointingly for us, she doesn’t pull off a latex mask to reveal she’s a supervillain.
Disappointingly for Matt, she doesn’t take her clothes off. Disappointingly for everyone, she’s recorded a song for Matt that she’s now about to play on her phone.

Matt awkwardly says that it’s good as Brittany visualises all the music executives watching Farmer Wants A Wife, blissfully unaware that their passion for locally produced reality shows would expose such musical talent. Matt is impressed at how honest and open Brittany is being, completely severing any remaining interest I have in his love life. She says she likes him and he says something and can’t decide and some other rubbish. Whatever.

Jade and Rachel are saying goodbye to Nikko. Jade thinks she’s a lot closer to Nikko and hopes he comes knocking at her door. Rachel reckons that even if Nikko chooses Jade, they might break up after a few weeks and then she can swoop in so she’s covered no matter what. Hilarious.

Matt says goodbye to his girls. No one cares.

Todd says goodbye to his girls, but not before Leah tells Todd that she likes him. They’re both super awkward so it could work but it’s a hard call, Todd seems fairly underwhelmed all of the time so time will tell.

Over at Tom’s farm, he’s claiming again that he’s undecided. Shauna has been driving me nuts with all the intense and tearful ‘my man’ speeches but I genuinely feel for her, she seems like a lovely person and Tom was very aware that she wasn’t in his for a casual fling. Fiona also seems lovely and whoever he chooses, I’m going to want to kick him. Shauna doesn’t seem to realise that Tom’s commitment is worth rubbish. Tom hates the thought of letting someone down but seems happier to leave them both completely confident in his affections and shattering one into tiny little pieces by not showing up. I know it’s the premise of the show, but promising them both they’re the one that you want is completely gutless. Nice spine, dude.

The air is thick with tension at Tom’s farm as the girls get ready to leave. Both believe that they’re safe and it’s Tom’s last chance to let them know it’s not a sure thing and to prepare at least one of them for the chance that he may not show up. Fiona leaves. Shauna leaves. NICE SPINE, DUDE.

Sam and Jodie are saying goodbye, in love and already missing each other. Sam promises he’ll be seeing her soon. Jodie says she feels like they belong to each other. This is really lovely stuff. This is lovetastic.
Matt can’t decide. No one cares.

The finale is next week and the farmers are all headed to the cities to surprise their favourite girls. Awkward interviews! Farmers wear hats! Tom getting in big trouble! Meet you back here.