Farmer Wants A WifeWed/Thu 8pm, Ch9
Tonight: mums arrive! Girls cook! Farmers shuffle awkwardly! Rachel is awake!


Tonight’s episode promises to resolves the Paul/Vanessa debacle by replaying the final moments of last week’s argument. (Why aren’t you ready? I am maybe! Why did you come on the show? I’m on a show? Why did you kiss me? etc)

Heartstrings struck, we quickly alight on Farmer Todd’s house where his post-makeover revels have taken a turn for the wacky. The girls happily dance about in a silly, adorable kind of way while Todd laughs handsomely in his rumpled tuxedo. Suddenly Todd is wearing a pink bra and g-string (and boxers and socks) and dancing quasi-provocatively around his lounge-room… that got weird quickly. Jenna explains that Todd is showing another side of himself. Todd explains that he recently had some of his man parts removed.

Farmer Matt is the first to give the girls the good news that not only will they be meeting his parents tonight; they will have the honour of preparing their dinner. Jasmine thinks she should probably try and do well today (brilliant!), Kristen is confident she’ll be able to charm the parents and Brittany’s strategy is to hunt and gather fish. She is so deep. Matt also tells the girls that one of them will be going home tonight. Everyone makes sad noises.

Brittany heads inside with her fishing rod to see if there’s any fish in the freezer she can gather. There isn’t, so she trudges off to use the rod in some outside water. We leave her swaying from side to side, singing “Here, fishy, fishy, fishy…” She is so deep.

Cows moo ominously on Farmer Nikko’s (mum’s) property as we relive his kiss with Jade and his promise not to kiss Rachel anymore. His resolve has endured at least six hours or so and we find Nikko and Rachel on a cow-feeding date. Nikko explains how Rachel has this cute little spark that he keeps coming back to. I wonder if she keeps it in her lips? Rachel eats some of the cow food. Nikko tells her it’s got poo in it. This is some A-grade flirting right here. Rachel sticks her arm in the molasses and tries to get a cow to lick it off. Nikko is charmed and the cows stampede towards Rachel who happily hops out of harms way. Traumatic Lion King flashbacks aside, it’s all quite endearing.

Farmer Todd’s house is awash with a sea of empty beer bottles and hung-over young women. CUE PARENTS! Awkward introductions, etc, more later.

Over on Farmer Tom’s farm, we relive the intense, too-soon avowals of love they each made the night before. The girls are outside, presumably taking a short break from stuffing pillows with Tom’s hair and licking his toothbrush. Tom arrives to announce a BBQ challenge, meeting his brothers and someone going home. Kristy warms up for a good cry while Shauna disconcertingly delivers another short rant where she refers to Tom as “my man”. Ummmmmmmmmm TOO SOON.

Over to Farmer Paul where the tension is palpable. Vanessa wants to leave and Paul can’t, or won’t stop her. It’s more of the same conversation but with less tears and profanity and eventually Vanessa deftly avoids a hug goodbye and heads home. Paul has realised that for right now he needs to choose between Gnarloo, his farm, and the chance for a relationship. He chooses Gnarloo.

Back at Nikko’s (mum’s), Rachel is back at the house and starting to prepare food for Nikko’s family. The other girls are still sleeping off the party and Rachel refuses to wake them to tell them about the looming relations.

At Matt’s farm, Brittany is still fishless and wishing she’d read her horoscope that morning for better fish-guidance. She is so deep.

Down in Bruny Island, the girls are showing off their culinary flair by stuffing up cheese on toast. There’s some filler with his parents who are way too nice to create good reality TV drama, there’s an ad-break and it’s time for Todd to ask someone to leave. Todd thinks Jenna is awesome. I’m expecting the usual non-committal love-fest when he turns to Sara and tells her she can be ‘bogan-ish’ sometimes and he’s still not sure about their age difference. Unsurprisingly, Sara gets the flick. She quickly wishes him well but clearly embarrassed, refuses to hug him on the way out. She’s offended to be called a bogan, especially by someone who lives in Tasmania.

Over at Tom’s farm, his three ladies are ready to barbeque into the hearts of Tom’s three brothers. Shauna’s desperation is already starting to show as she calls Tom “my man” for the third time this episode. Fiona and Kristy are playing it slightly cooler but it’s clear whoever gets kicked off tonight is going to be in pieces.

We zoom to Nikko’s (mum’s) place where it’s 1.30pm, Rachel is still cooking and the other girls are, pathetically, still sleeping. Rachel is poised to seize glory with her sizzling meat and unburnt scones. Just quietly. Rachel seems to have come around with Nikko’s mum – apparently she’s less toad-like than former boyfriends’ mothers – and greets the family warmly. They’re impressed that she’s prepared lunch alone. Rachel is impressed too.

Nikko’s parents volunteer to go and wake up the two slackers. Jade and Millie are embarrassed and while they get dressed, Rachel plants herself between Nikko and his mum for a final charm offensive. Jade is annoyed that Rachel has done all the work while she slept in. It’s almost like they’re rivals of some kind… like Rachel is there for some other reason than to secure Nikko and Jade’s happy ever after… Grow up, Jade.

Brittany has finally caught a fish and proclaims herself a successful hunter and gatherer. She leaves the others to gut, clean and cook the fish while she goes and freshens up, because standing still outside can really mess up a girl’s scary false eyelashes. Kirsten seems to think she’s the underdog, which is stupid, because she’s a delight.

Up at Sam’s station, there are only two girls left so he’s spared an eviction. His mum’s still coming for dinner though and before that, he has some explaining to do. Mum wants to know why he got rid of her choice, Jessie, a few episodes ago. Sam explains that not only did she arrive at 4.30 in the morning; he was with someone else at the time. This was previously unknown to us and largely explains his awkwardness in wanting to return to his tent. This is also BRILLIANT gossip and we must know who he was with, who, WHO? Sam and his mum talk about some t-shirt but no one tells me who he was with that morning, so I’ve lost interest. Next farm.

Tom is about to expel one of his love-stricken ladies. Shauna is already crying as he walks in, and Kristy looks like she’s not far off. Fiona just looks terrified. Tom is very emotional as he gives his you’re-all-great-but speech. Tom looks announces that the lady going home is… ad break… Kristy. Tom manages to get the name out but that’s it, he is genuinely gutted. Kristy is upset but unsurprised and both Fiona and Shauna go off to cry some feelings.

Over at Matt’s farm, the parents arrived for dinner. Brittany feels like catching the fish has given her an edge, despite leaving the cleaning, gutting and cooking to the other two girls. Kirsten is happy to share credit, as long as the parents like her. There’s another girl but I don’t remember who she is. Mum wants to know if anyone has kissed her son. Brittany is happy to put her hand up for the negative until she realises the other two girls are tellingly silent. Matt denies any pashes but says there’s only been ‘nice kisses’. Brittany begins the I’m-going-home freak out.

Back at Sam’s farm, his mum introduces herself to the girls as the “bad old tiger.” Hilarious lady, I love her. She pretends to be allergic to the fish that’s been cooked to dinner and everyone has a big laugh.
Brittany decides to get kissy-face with Matt to secure her place on the farm. She is so deep.

It’s Nikko’s turn to send someone home. Jade is worried, Millie is worried and Rachel isn’t and also she wants to kiss Nikko again. Nikko cuts straight to the chase and tells Millie she’s the girl going home. Being his mum’s choice and making the decision to hang back hasn’t really paid off and she seems more relieved than anything else. The remaining two girls gaze at Nikko like hungry leopards.

It’s time for the final cut of the evening, and Matt is looking pained. All three girls are stressed about their standing with Matt and he’s convinced the girl leaving tonight will not react well. He gets straight to it and announces that the girl going home is… Kirsten? KIRSTEN? SERIOUSLY? HAS HE MET HIS OTHER TWO GIRLS? I don’t even know who Jasmine is! And Brittany? Kirsten leaving?!?! DOES HE THINK HE’S CHOOSING A WINNER?

So, to recap, tonight’s episode ends with Matt sending home the most personable girl in the competition in instead make his way with the deep hunter-gatherer with the farm eyelashes and that girl whose name I HAVE ALREADY FORGOTTEN AGAIN.

Kirsten is disappointed, pragmatic and hopeful for the future. Matt explains the chat he had with Brittany really blew him away so he wants to get to know her better. Just to clarify that, he means when she opened her eyes really wide and went ‘I really like you.’ And then kissing. Maybe it is Matt who is, so deep.

Next week when I’ve had time to heal and I’m ready to open my heart again: OVERNIGHT DATES! More tears! Tom says shenanigans!