Farmer Wants A WifeWed/Thu 8pm, Ch9
Okay, first off, what’s with the new theme song? I never thought I’d say it but bring back the Buble.

The radiant Natalie Gruzlewski appears and tells us that the girls are going to learn tonight that not everyone can win in the game of love. She hasn’t experienced this firsthand of course, but overheard it once from someone more awkward and homely.

A morning montage of girls preening, cleaning, waking, breakfasting and taunting chickens. Tonight the first round of girls will be expelled from the farm stays. Farmer drama.

It takes all of two minutes for Rachel to use the phrase ‘quietly confident’ as a smokescreen for her rampant ego. Everyone is completely fooled and hopes Nikko doesn’t kick her to the curb like the nasty piece of work she isn’t. Fingers crossed.

Cross to Tom’s farm on the cartoon map of Australia. Kristy is sitting at the top of the stairs weeping about her deepening feelings for Tom and the prospect of leaving. The staircase proves inadequately poignant so Kristy moves outside for a wistful wander and some more weeping. One of Tom’s other lady friends, Shauna, declares it “mind games” and is immediately vindicated by a borderline-cheerful Kristy hoping that Tom sees her upset. Cue hilarious shot of Kristy checking behind her to see who’s watching her cry. Classic.

Millionaire Farmer Nikko’s farm. The disembodied voice of Natalie explains that Nikko is hoping to find a wife. So the farmer… wants a wife… ohhh, I see what they did there. Nikko explains that his mother is the perfect woman. She doesn’t seem that interested so he agrees to continue filming the show. Rachel gives us a list of all the things she doesn’t like in a man. Every man in the country decides to grow man boobs as a protective measure. Poor Nikko is man boob free and Rachel is confident they’d ‘look good together’. Sally can also see herself with Nikko, as can Millie, and Jade too… love squares are amazing.

Down South to Tassie Todd’s farm. Todd takes off his shirt in slow motion, showing off his incredible personality and his smooth, taut sense of humour. Thumbs up from all his ladies. Sara takes Todd off to some windswept grass to explain that she isn’t used to chasing guys. Todd explains he doesn’t understand girls. Sara giggles and tells the camera she’s really glad Todd’s opened up. Todd is confused.

Farmer Matt has one girl who feels overlooked. Jessie asks Matt whether he’s genuinely interested since he hasn’t been paying much attention to her. Matt explains how the show works, with the three other women and all. Jessie sulkily explains that she likes to know where people stand before she makes her move. A producer pulls her aside and explains how the show works.

Tom has taken his four ladies to round up sheep. All four women are keen to show off their mad farmwife skills. Kristy has finally left off crying and begins to name Tom’s 13,000 sheep. Tom is charmed. Shauna is displeased.

Nikko’s four girls are enjoying tasty bowls of All Bran. Mmm. Branny. Gruzlewski tells us that Sally and Rachel have very different backgrounds. Sally tells us that no one ever asks her out and she wouldn’t know love if it punched her in the face. This is a little gut wrenching for those who will recall Nikko’s complete lack of interest in Sally and the strong likelihood of her being the first one gone. Rachel, we are told, knows a lot about love. She shows genuine emotion and tells us about losing an ex-boyfriend to cancer, healing emotionally and becoming ready to love again. This is a far nicer side to Rachel.

Nikko is ready to make the cut. He tells the girls they are all beautiful, which is true, tells the camera it’s a really difficult choice, which is less true and it’s goodbye… adbreak… hey, All Bran again… goodbye Sally. Sally is exceptionally gracious. Rachel makes a derisive and confusing comment about the show being about a farmer finding a wife, not some lovely lady who is good with cattle. A producer takes her aside and explains how the show works.

Jessie has bailed Matt up again for some reassurance of more than 25% of his affection. Does no one watch this show before going on it? Kirsten isn’t eavesdropping, she has her iPod in, see?

Sam expelled his fourth girl in the first sixty seconds of their acquaintance, so he doesn’t have anything more dramatic to do tonight than to take his neat little harem of three for a horsie ride around their campsite. No wait! He still has to kick off another. Brilliant. One of the girls, Ellen, begins her why-do-you-like-me interrogation. Sam tries to quickly think of a trait that isn’t a body part. Pole dancing Jodie pats a horse. Sam decides to spoil his girls by giving them a roof to sleep under. Mr. Darcy, eat your heart out.

Todd’s girls all begin packing in preparation for the elimination. Mum’s choice, Suki, explains that she has an advantage because she’s only been around for a day and Todd has had a proper chance to get to know the other girls… yes, really. Todd tells the girls he wants them to all stay together and be one big happy family, since they all get along so well. The girls separately describe how much they hate each other.

Quick, Todd, take your shirt off. Suki is still confident that being a complete stranger will keep her safe. In a completely shocking twist, Todd chooses to eliminate Suki because he doesn’t know her as well as the other girls. Everybody watching faints from not surprise.

Tom kisses one of his girls. She probably has a name. Shauna takes him for a walk to explain that she doesn’t like to share and she doesn’t like him dating other women. A producer takes her aside and explains how the show works. Tom kisses her and she immediately falls in love in him. Kristy is now the only lady not to have kissed Tom, probably because he’s worried about getting his lips all wet and salty.

Farmer Paul from Western Australia makes his first appearance of the night. Yesterday we discovered that he wasn’t that interested in getting married. A producer pulled him aside… well, you know where I’m going with this. Paul is trying a different approach to finding love, which involves working on the farm and ignoring his ladies. There’s some filler and then Paul fronts up to deliver his elimination verdict to his two women, whose names he can no longer remember. Paul’s relief is palpable when Genevieve announces that she misses her kids too much to stay and he reiterates her decision as if he’d made the hard call. Vanessa is ecstatic that she now has Paul’s undivided attention and a producer mouths ‘VA-NESS-SA’ to him off camera.

Over at Matt’s farm, Jessie is still struggling with whether to stay or go. She seems lovely and all but I’ve completely lost interest. The sad music strikes up and she leaves, or goes to town for milk, or something. Gah.

Sam admires his women but gets straight to the point. Except for some music, and interviews and compliments and dithering. He tells Bec he really respects her. Forebode. She knows she’s just been given the kiss of death. Sure enough, he bids her farewell and offers her his ‘hundreds of mates’ as consolation husbands.

Farmer Matt decides to cheer up his girls after Jessie’s departure by taking them to grope and castrate calves. He’s very strangely lovable.

It’s crunch time at Tom’s farm and I don’t just mean the All Bran. Kristy is crying. Wow, no one saw that coming. Tom is already feeling guilty but gives the girls a last chance to compliment him before he delivers his verdict. Rookie mistake, buddy. Everyone cries. It’s goodbye to the bike riding hipster with the fantastic legs… she probably has a name, but I can only learn so many.

Next week on Farmer Wants A Wife; makeovers! Tears! Drama! Paul still not understanding the point of the show! Can. Not. Wait.