So, we meet again. We come together, as we always do, for what I like to call “The weigh in”! I like to call it that, because that’s what it’s called, and that’s how I roll. And if you don’t like it? Well, I’ll try and do better next time.

But back to matters more pressing. The contestants managed to pull some big numbers this week. Mostly, those numbers were number twos. And they were pushed not pulled. Jarrod, for instance, managed one of the biggest number twos ever seen at Camp Biggest Loser. For more on the outcome of that, see descriptions of the tug-o-war in mud challenge further in this essay.

Now avid viewers will remember that for this weigh-in, it was Red versus the rest, and if Red lost more weight per capita than the rest, Red would be able to select any member of an opposing team to be eliminated. By virtue of some ham fisted editing, Red were the last to the scales, needing to lose only 7.8kg between them. Michelle expressed concern that Nathaniel wasn’t going to show much of a weight loss, because he had been carrying around an injury, as well as a packet of Twisties, three Cornettos (chocolate of course) and some Diet Coke. However, Michelle’s (or Mish as I like to call her when I’m watching the Biggest Loser alone wearing only a leotard) worries were misplaced as both Nathaniel and Joe, with the help of a 2kg advantage gained from one challenge or another, reached the target with kilos to spare.

Would you argue with this woman about exercise? Really?

With Red winning the weigh-in, they gained the power to eliminate anyone of their choosing. Naturally, it was a difficult choice, with each of the contestants presenting valid reasons as to why they would be a threat to …. ah who are we kidding. It was always going to be Jarrod and Jarrod it was. Though Joe did string it out for a while, stating that he admired the person chosen and claiming that the person had “a very good heart”. This claim certainly spread doubt amongst the contestants as each wondered how the selected person could possibly be them as no one there could claim to have a good, or indeed, marginally healthy heart. However, it turned out that Joe was speaking only in a metaphorical sense.

As Jarrod got up to leave, he promised that, by the power of Greyskull, there would be changes in his life. No more schooners at the bowling club. It’ll be boutique bars from here on in. From now on he’ll be going for a run OR going to the gym, but he will never run to the gym. When he sees an old lady trying to cross the street, he WILL help her across. Before he walked out the door, Jarrod had one final message for the two remaining members of his family. One final clarion call to his siblings. “Youse are Duncans” he roared. Which probably came as no surprise to his sisters. Waste of time saying it, really.

Once the house came to terms with the loss of one of only two alpha males (the other being Lara), the focus was turned back on to the red team. The accusations were flying thick and fast that Joe had not consulted with Nathaniel on who to eliminate. Joe retorted that Nathaniel had agreed that Jarrod was one of eleven people that they could select for elimination and took that as his assent to eliminating Jarrod. Nathaniel piped up, saying that his uncles treat him like a baby and that he never gets any credit for being an adult and that he wanted a lollypop because he hadn’t wet the bed last night. But being in camp Biggest Loser means no lollypops, so dry night or not, Nathaniel went without.

And so, with cracks appearing not only between families, and not only within families, but also on the walls and floors of the house, the teams headed off for another round of temptation. On the way, each contestant saw photos of themselves with their loved ones hung up on the walls. Just to clarify, the photos were of the contestants AND a loved one together. There were not photos of contestants on the wall, and next to each photo was hung a loved one. Just so we’re clear on that. But it was nice to humanise the contestants and see them with their families. Meg with her husband. Kellie with her children. Nathaniel with his favourite pair of socks. Touching.

The purpose of this shameless tug on the heartstrings was to highlight the prize awaiting the winner of temptations, which was a visit home to see their loved ones. Except if Leigh were to win. For Leigh, if he won Temptation, he’ll get the opportunity to get the fuck away from his loved ones. Because all his loved ones are there. If he did win Temptation, the producers had an alternate prize in the offing. As Leigh didn’t win Temptation, we can’t be sure what it was, although indications were that it would have been a nice bottle of wine, a Hallmark card and cream for his chaffing nipples.

The item the focus of Temptation was a bowl of chocolate buttons, otherwise know as Smarties, M & Ms, or as I like to call them, coloured anuses. Each contestant was blind folded and sat in front of a bowl of chocolate buttons. The person who ate most would get to spend the night with their family. The person who ate least would get to spend the night with the Manson family.

As is usual in these Temptations temptations, the contestants start out all honourable and agree as a family not to partake. But once the blindfolds are on and the belts loosened, some succumb. Leigh admitted that he was a big girl when it came to chocolate, saying he loves sitting around eating chocolate and watching sad movies! As he said this his bra strap suddenly sprang off and took out the eye of a cameraman. Unperturbed, Leigh dipped his fingers into the bowl and ate one solitary button. At least Leigh was the only one in his family to do it.

Yes, Commando. Whatever you say, Commando.

The Moons on the other hand, had three out of four contestants imbibing. Sarah took one, Jodie six and Kellie a whopping 118 chocolate buttons, meaning in calorie terms she had ingested 1,180 calories. As a result, Kellie won the prize of getting to spend the night with her family. Unfortunately for Kellie, the night she got to spend with her family was exactly the same night as her family had made plans to see “Guys and Dolls”. Such is life.

By Thursday, the contestants were once again thrown into another pointless challenge. This time, the “champion” of each team had to fight against each other in a series of inane contests with the ultimate winner (Lara for the Blue team) having the power to give one team a 1kg penalty at the weigh-in. Obviously it has escaped the producers attention that this kind of reward not only rewards the team that won, but also the other two teams that aren’t selected by the winning team. In other words, it’s completely unfair. On the other hand, “___ _____ _ rat’s arse?” You fill in the blanks.

It was around this point that something truly beautiful happened on the Biggest Loser. We saw sisters, nay twin sisters, open up to each other for the first time in a long time and heard Emma admit that she couldn’t really stand her sister Meg when Emma was thin and popular and Meg admit that she couldn’t really stand Emma when Emma was thin and popular and Meg wasn’t and Meg and Emma admit that they couldn’t really stand Jarrod and Sarah-Jayne at all and wasn’t Hayley Lewis so much older looking in real life and isn’t Kate Middleton just fantastic and sooooo much lake Lady Di?

But then, Emma let it all come out, and told her twin sister that when Meg moved away Emma realised how much she needed Meg there beside her, to make her (Emma) look good. As soon as Meg was gone, Emma was no longer the best looking twin sister in town. This made her see how horrible she had been to Meg and so she swore on her mother’s grave (her mother wasn’t dead at that stage, but one step at a time) that she would do anything for her sister. “I’d sleep in a gutter for you” Emma said to Meg. “Well I’d sleep in a gutter for you!” Meg fired back. “Oh yeah, well I’d move into the gutter and stay there for a full year for you, biatch!” was Emma’s reply. “That’s nothing, I’d spend my life in the gutter, and move my family into the gutter and we’d only eat whatever food came into the gutter, JUST FOR YOU!”. This went on for several hours until both finally agreed that, really, the only one who should really live in the gutter is Charlie Sheen.

With that much needed clearing of the air the contestants trotted off to the last challenge of the week. This one involved the teams being harnessed up to each other four way tug-o-war style, in a field which was alleged to be full of mud. I say alleged, because with the major dietary changes these people have undergone, I suspect there has been some “down stairs” repercussions (and I don’t mean impotence, though don’t rule it out), and as such, the Camp Biggest Loser sewer system would have come in for some severe punishment. Then all of a sudden there the contestants are, wallowing in a field of brown stuff. Draw your own conclusions.

Until next week.


The Biggest Loser Australia: Families – Sun 6:30pm; Wed/Thu/Fri 7:30pm, Ch10.
Image sources: Channel 10.