"But I didn't mean to get uproariously drunk..."

Last week’s Biggest Loser provided us with a whiff of impropriety and a scent of scandal, which combined kind of smells like burnt cheese. Someone had done somebody wrong and would face penal sanctions, and please note ‘penal’ doesn’t mean what some of you are thinking it means. “Who was it?”, ”What did they do?”, ”What will happen to them?” we all wondered aloud on trains and in crowded lifts, drawing stern glares from strangers and transit police. Soon enough, though, the veil of secrecy was lifted in scenes that were in no way comparable to the coming down of the Berlin Wall, other than that we got to see what was on the other side. In one case, it was just some more Germans. In the other case, it was Luke.

There have been some stupid things done on Biggest Loser over the years, but what Luke did was stupid. Ostensibly on Biggest Loser to lose some weight and meet chicks, Luke let all the old demons back into his life and through the front door of the camp when he overindulged in alcohol. Whether it was the alcohol intake that was the problem or whether Luke did something that crossed the line while he was affected by alcohol, we can’t be sure. What we can be sure of is that Luke did something that crossed the line while he was affected by alcohol. Maybe he touched someone inappropriately. Maybe he touched Hamish’s boobs.

In the fallout that followed both Hamish and Michelle admitted that they’ve never understood the lure of alcohol, the reason for which was glaringly obvious when they attempted an awkward high five. They’re uncoordinated enough without chemical assistance. While Hamish showed everyone where, on the dolly, Luke touched him, Luke packed his bags. Before he left, Shannan told Luke he could “do this on the outside” as his face twisted into an ugly sneer. Try as he might though, Luke was unable to make a similar face, and left the compound in shame.

Later, at Ninja HQ or whatever the f**k Tiffiny calls it the white team were called upon to settle their issues, with Selena versus the rest. Tiffiny wanted to get to the bottom of why her team had performed so badly at the challenge, and Kasey exploded with anger at Selena. She was like a dog with a bone, back up, growling, unwilling to let go. In contrast Selena was more like a dog with a pickle, confused, unsure, uncertain, and resigned to having to lick its anus for sustenance once again.

Worst. Reason for an alarm. Ever.

With all the inner rumblings emanating from the white team, or at least those that were louder than the usually dietary induced ones, it came as no shock when they were below the yellow line at weigh-in. They went into elimination with the black team by virtue of Hamish’s immunity. Black put up Graham because of their adherence to ancient tradition. Though everyone expected to see Selena for the white team, when Bek walked in you could have run in and punched Hayley Lewis in the face such was the shock. Unfortunately no one did. Graham made some global statements about finding a female of a similar, if not the same species, and procreating, while it was obvious that Bek was so overcome with back pain from all the stabbing that she couldn’t really defend herself. And so Bek was eliminated.

To shake things up the trainers decided to take the contestants for a pre-dawn training session at Manly’s infamous quarantine station. The wind was cold, the sand was hard, and the yelling was loud as the contestants were forced into actual push ups for the first time. Commando decided that Graham wasn’t pulling his weight and faced up to him, imploring him to “stop pulling those ridiculous faces”. Graham could barely keep his eyes open, raising Commando’s ire who wondered aloud why Graham couldn’t look him in the eye. But with eyelids weighing 10 pounds each, it’s not an easy task.

After a tortuous, energy sapping 10 minute workout, the contestants were absolute wrecks, and were surprised to say the least to see Hayley Lewis standing before them on the beach. She suggested to them that perhaps they should have saved some energy because they would now have to race back to the camp with the winning team acquiring some kind of massive power. The keys to the toilets perhaps? In fact the power was to banish one team from camp for a whole week. Red team made it home first with Hamish only inches behind, while the white team, courtesy of Selena, finished last again. Red decided that the white team would be banished. This caused Hamish no end of grief as he knew he would not see his beloved Michelle for a whole week, so he asked her for a photo that he could keep near his heart, and take with him into the bathroom whenever he had to “comb his hair”.

With white out of the way, red, black and Hamish took part in the contest, which involved standing on an ever dwindling platform, with the last one off to get the power of the walk. Hamish admirably lasted for two and a half hours, but started to suffer from tummy cramps and jumped into the water. That left Margie and Simon. After three and a half hours Hayley Lewis began complaining about the heat and in an effort to speed things up changed the rules and told the two they had to stand on one leg. This eventually forced Simon to lose his balance, giving Margie the victory and red team the power of the walk.

This is safety Hamish. Collect the whole set.

Meanwhile, white team were suffering enormous privations in their bush camp, with no equipment, no trainer and no idea. Selena confirmed that she had been camping many times before but that she had never had to do anything because she was always the “one standing around looking pretty”, a statement that had viewers racing to their dictionaries to reacquaint themselves with the meaning of the word “pretty”. Back at camp, Margie took the walk and chose the mystery box, which gave her the power to choose one contestant whose weight wouldn’t be counted at weigh-in, a choice she wouldn’t have to make until weigh-in. The only proviso was that she couldn’t choose Hamish.

With these week’s temptation looming, Margie and Simon came to a kind of understanding, where they agreed that Simon would try and stop Hamish from winning temptation again. However, this plan backfired in an unspectacular way when Hamish refused point blank to even take part in temptation. In fact, Simon was the only one who did, and after eating one hamburger worth 500 calories, he found immunity next, which was why the backfire was so unspectacular. While Hamish was dealing with the machinations of Margie and Simon, the white team were having their own problems, with Tiffiny thinking that Selena had “lost the fire in her eyes” and that “no amount of flicking lit matches at her face is going to get it back”.

As the week drew to a close, with the white team still lost in the wilds, battling the elements, their demons, and six fingered banjo playing rednecks from the deep south, red, black and Hamish battled it out in the final challenge, involving splitting rocks, carrying them in a bucket and filling up one of the opposing team’s baskets at the bottom of the hill, in a method similar to the one now employed by the Labor Party to choose state and federal leaders. Red and black got to pick who would play for each other, with the weakest of each team, Lisa and Graham, getting the nod.

John Deeks is hiding inside one of these BBQs...

An obvious alliance became obvious as Lisa and Graham began filling up Hamish’s basket. Hamish, knowing that black were the more deserving recipients of any advantage, began filling up Lisa’s basket. Meanwhile no one was filling up Graham’s basket, a situation that he had grown accustomed to over the years. By the time Hamish’s basket was full and he was eliminated, black had a clear advantage over red and it wasn’t long before Lisa’s basket was full to the brim and overflowing, leaving black team the victors. As part of the spoils of war, the black team were given the opportunity to nominate one team to go without their trainer until weigh-in.

Next week we will find out who black chose. Although black and red have had some kind of alliance for a while, it was by no means certain that black would choose Hamish to go without his trainer. The challenge had stretched the limits of the friendship between red and black. Also, Hamish reveals to Michelle how he feels, through interpretive dance.

The Biggest Loser – Mon-Fri 7pm, Ch10.