The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
When last we left Biggest loser, Brenda had picked up the second to last weigh-in pass, and it was between Bek and Shane to see who would get the last one, with Hamish an outside chance, much like an outside toilet, and Ryan getting ready to finally think about the swim leg. While Bek swam her way closer and closer to that last weigh-in pass, Shane flapped his arms about like a demented penguin with a goatee beard. But while Shane’s efforts had artistic merit, it wasn’t enough to get him to the boat on time. As Hayley commiserated with the losers, no one noticed the elephant in the room: Ryan still had his shoes on.

Back at camp, the rest were surprised to see Brenda return with Bek. They explained that they’d partaken in an iron man competition and come first and second respectively. The other contestants were shocked that Ryan hadn’t come first, until they remembered who Ryan was.

But all this was just a sideshow before the big event, as the returnees got ready to weigh-in. First the current contestants weighed-in and gratefully no one put on any weight this week, thus avoiding the embarrassment of being stripped. Stripped of immunity that is. Michelle fell below 80kg for the first time in a long time. Hayley quizzed her on her relationship with Hamish, and asked her if Hamish was her boyfriend. Michelle prevaricated for a while but eventually admitted that he was. Hayley suggested that it was okay to have a boyfriend and noted the added bonus with Hamish was that they could share bras.

Of the returned contestants, Bek went first and was stunned with a 4.9kg loss. Shannan may have thought he was complimenting Bek when he said she’d gone from being a princess to a horse, but nonetheless Bek remained positive. Simon managed a loss of 5kg but this was less of a percentage of weight loss than Bek and put him dangerously close to the bottom three. Simon suggested that when he and Lisa left the camp they could “date like real people”, which means either that they could date each other like normal people away from the glare of the cameras, or that they could date, like you know, real (other) people. Lisa managed to lose only 2.2kg confirming that she was facing elimination. When Hayley asked her what she was thinking, she replied, “I’m thinking about elimination dickhead!” Brenda followed Lisa to the scales, and pulled herself out of elimination with a loss of 6.8kg. Then it was Lydia’s turn, and she managed to put Bek into elimination alongside Lisa and Simon with a loss of 5.1kg.

In the elimination room, Bek, Simon and Lisa sat on one side as Michelle, Kasey, Alex, Graham and Margie sat on the other side. The five had to vote for one of the three to remain. Each of the three was asked to state their case. Bek thought they should vote for her because she was doing it for herself and no one else, whereas Simon and Lisa were doing it for their families and each other and other such selfish reasons. Lisa felt that she needed to remain because she’d been home for only a short while and found it tough out there what with the looming carbon tax likely to make everything higher in calories. Simon said he had unfinished business in the camp, having not quite nailed the final details of the Peterson account.

Lydia unsurprisingly voted for the return of Lisa while Alex did not vote along team lines and instead went with Bek. Brenda also went with Bek because they’d been through much together coming back in, while Margie stunned everyone by claiming that she was voting with her heart when it was clear she didn’t have one. But she voted for Lisa anyway. Michelle managed to vote for Bek and insult her at the same time when she said that she was voting for the person who didn’t have the ability to lose weight or win challenges, while Kasey said almost exactly the same thing and also voted for Bek. With Bek certain to return and to everyone’s relief, Hayley announced that there was now no reason to see Graham’s thingy.

Back at the camp much was made of the lack of numbers of male competitors. Lydia stated that Graham and Alex should be called “Panda One and Panda Two because they’re an endangered species”, and then proceeded to punch them both in each eye to make the nicknames more realistic. In the gym Shannan tried to get to the root of Brenda’s problems, which, considering that her partner left her when they couldn’t conceive may have been because of a lack of roots. After much questioning from Shannan, Brenda broke down and cried like a Hamish. In a giant shed, Alex was beginning to feel the pressure of being the oldest contestant in the competition and broke down and cried like a Hamish. Michelle broke down and cried like a Hamish when she confessed to Tiffiny she had binge eaten over 800 calories in one sitting.

With all the crying done it was time for the week’s contest. Lydia, Margie, Alex and Michelle, the top four on the leader board, battled it out for the right to send someone home until the next weigh-in, and presumably to that person’s own home and not some random home. Margie though it would be beneficial to go home for a week, saying that it would be “kind of like having your cake and eating it too” which is a terrible analogy to draw considering the company she’s keeping.

The contest involved transporting a pile of medicine balls from one end of a pool to another whilst tied to a bungee cord, which is similar to the way health services are delivered in rural and remote Australia. The bungee cord was meant to represent all the forces that pull you back from being your best in life, while the medicine balls represented all the balls, like debutant balls, ball sports and testicles that distract you from the important things. In the first round Lydia knocked out Michelle, while in the second round Margie had it all over Alex and lapped him a number of times. Alex was not too dispirited to lose to Margie, stating that in the “tortoise and the hair, I’m the tortoise”, forgetting of course that while the tortoise may have won the race, the hair was actually a lot slimmer and so ultimately won at life.

Lydia and Margie faced off in the final which involved holding onto a rope suspended above a pool. On Hayley’s word they had to lower themselves down the rope, increasing the pressure on their arms. Lydia couldn’t hold on and fell into the pool, but when she got out she collapsed on the pool deck, overcome with her failure. More surprising was Margie’s decision to send Michelle home rather than herself. Hayley noted that for Michelle, the upside was that she would see her family, but the downside was that she might also see Hamish. When she got in the car the first thing Michelle did was call her brother to arrange a surprise visit with her mother, and the second thing she did was call Hamish. Hamish was as shocked as most viewers must have been when she invited him down to Melbourne to meet her family. The only way this would make sense was if her family was the Manson family. Hamish promised to make the 12 hour journey by car, rather than catch a 2 hour flight.

Back at the camp, the contestants were introduced to the temptation booth, commonly seen in some of the seedier areas of Kings Cross, though usually with seats and boxes of tissues surrounding it. Four fridges were stacked with the worst of foods, and if a contestant wanted to eat they had to eat in the temptation booth, for no apparent reason, other than to highlight people binge eating in a perspex box. The person who consumed the most would win immunity. To ensure his charges didn’t play, Shannan had Brenda and Bek train in front of the temptation booth, and showed them that a gruelling training session would be necessary to burn off the calories consumed in a slice of pizza or piece of chocolate cake.

Alex came in after a brief absence because of illness, and instantly Margie tried to convince him to take temptation, explaining that if he couldn’t train he couldn’t burn calories. Alex’s tongue darted to all areas of his mouth, like it was searching for an exit, as he mulled it over, but eventually he decided it was worth the risk and entered the perspex booth with a slice of pizza, a can of soft drink, corned beef sandwich, and chocolate covered ice cream, which is incidentally the most popular last meal voted by 9 out of 10 death row inmates in Texas.

Meanwhile in Melbourne, Hamish turned up at Michelle’s door after a gruelling 12 hour drive definitely not smelling of roses. When Hamish met Michelle’s mum he didn’t know if they should shake hands, kiss, or rub each others’ thighs, so instead he opted for the safest course and put his hands in his pockets while starring at the floor and mumbling inanities. Then Michelle took Hamish to her bedroom and showed him her collection of ‘My Little Pony’ toys and sex aids. While Michelle and Hamish were suffering the utter humiliation of mum having “made up the spare room”, Alex was suffering in his own way back at camp, to such an extent that paramedics were called and he was taken to hospital. Graham expressed his fears as Alex was wheeled away, particularly of spiders and heights.

With the end of the immunity challenge looming, Brenda snuck in a few calories in Bek’s presence, but tried to hide it from the rest. When Margie came in she sensed something wasn’t right, and when spying in the black receptacles holding the calorie consumption of each contestant, suggested to Brenda that there had been some “activity in her box”. However Brenda fired back that she had been single for some time and that the “cobwebs hadn’t been disturbed”. Nevertheless, her efforts and effrontery were all for nothing when it was declared that Alex had consumed the most calories and had thus done enough to win immunity.

The final challenge of the week involved a recreation of the Easter miracle. Though no doubt tempted, the producers realised they couldn’t actually crucify the contestants, so instead had them recreate crucifixion by being forced to rest barbells on their shoulders while weights were added. Each contestant had to take a turn to nominate another contestant to receive extra weight, with the final one standing winning a 1kg advantage at weigh-in, the right to give another contestant a 1kg penalty and the ability to come back from the dead on Sunday.

Brenda and Kasey fell by the wayside early, with Margie also withdrawing because of an injured shoulder. When she was on 40kg, Bek though it was like having Tiffiny on her shoulders, what with Tiffiny being as thin as a pole and with a similar personality. On 60kg, Graham started to lose sensation in his arms, while on 70kg he lost his faith in mankind, and dropped the bar. Then it was between Lydia and Bek, taking it in turns to add weight to the other, until Bek spilled her load all over the parade ground, giving Lydia the win.

The win gave Lydia a 1kg advantage and the right to penalise another contestant 1kg. Who will she choose? Who will fall below the yellow line? Who will be eliminated? And will Hamish and Michelle’s love finally be allowed to express itself physically, or will Michelle’s mother rule the relationship with an iron fist and keep the two star crossed lovers apart until tragedy ensues?