The Biggest Loser AustraliaMon-Fri 7pm, Ch10
Previously on Biggest Loser, people lost weight.

The remaining four contestants arrived to find the trainers locked in a cage. Hopes were dashed when they let themselves out. Each contestant was to spend 10 minutes with each trainer in the cage. Shannan starts with Margie but he can’t get through her defences. . Tiffiny tag teams Shannan and attempts to kick Margie’s head off but as Margie has no neck her head isn’t going anywhere. Commando steps in and attacks Margie with a pillow and then forces her to display her armpits, before Mish jumps in and asks Margie to give her everything: her wallet, her car, the deeds to her shop. Margie complies and leaves the cage a broken woman.

Alex is next in the cage and faces Tiffiny. Alex tries to kick at Tiffiny but one of his saggy testicles gets caught around his knee and he falls to the ground. Mish steps in next and uses her bottom to fight him off, before Commando jumps in and tries the Vulcan death grip with little success, so instead invites Alex to knee him in the side. We don’t get to see Alex and Shannan together, so I can only assume they made love for 10 minutes and it was too hot to show on TV.

Kasey’s turn came next and she started by pushing Mish around the ring then followed it up by trying to knee her where her nuts should be. Commando got in the cage with Kasey next but all Kasey could do was stare into his dreamy blue eyes. Then Tiffiny got in and told Kasey that they had come together. Sorry, that should have been come a long way together.

Finally Brenda had a go and she tea-bagged Mish, payback for when they butted heads earlier in the series. Shannan came in next and he adorned himself in floaties while trying to kick Brenda’s legs out from under her. We didn’t see what happened with Commando and Tiffiny, but I imagine it was blue.

After a brief ad, Alex approached Kasey and placed his hand on her knee, causing fear and gag reflexes in viewers everywhere. However it turns out he only wants to talk to her about an alliance, and Kasey admitted she wants Alex and Margie with her in the final three. Then it’s off to the eponymous weigh-in room (note to self: check meaning of eponymous). Hayley explained what everyone already knows, before it’s time to weigh-in. Margie goes first and admits to nerves before the tears start to appear, alongside some tender piano music. Hayley cruelly suggests that it “takes the cake”, a dig at Margie’s very own kryptonite, before Margie hits the scales and shows a loss of 4.6kg, or 4.48%. Hayley tells Margie she’s lost “a staggering 61.1kg” before Margie staggers from the scales.

Kasey is next and Hayley doesn’t even bother with a chat before she steps on the scales, an indication that there is an undercurrent of resentment between them. Kasey shocks everyone by losing 4.4kg, or 5.02%, putting her above Margie. Kasey said she wanted to pull 5%, but then she doesn’t explain 5% of who or what. Alex followed Kasey to the scales as Hayley explained he needed to lose 5.2kg to stay above Margie. When he lost 5.5kg, or 5.39%, Margie was facing elimination as Alex’s voice went up an octave, fuelled by emotion. When asked how proud he was, Commando skirted around the issue and made some vague statements about maybe leaving the gas on.

Brenda completed the quarter and needed to lose 4.2kg. Hayley asked her a series of questions in an attempt o give her more time to lose weight, and Brenda took advantage by jogging on the spot and vomiting. And it worked because she lost 5.3kg or 6.32%, pushing Kasey into elimination with Margie. While pondering who to eliminate Alex says that Margie and Kasey are like “my brother and sister”, but doesn’t explain which is which, while Kasey starts packing, leaving her collection of dolls and figurines until last, giving her a chance to roll play the elimination with them. Margie also packs, leaving nothing of herself behind, save for a faint smell of cheese.

Finally we make it to the elimination room and the contestants enter to the soundtrack of a John Carpenter film. Margie admits she’s devastated to be up for elimination so close to the end, feeling that she’s likely to go home, forgetting that the other three are going home tomorrow anyway. Kasey claims she’s always given up when things got hard, but she’s pigheadedly ignored all the pizzas, hamburgers and chips she’s finished. Alex changes his tune and says one is his big sister and the other is his little sister, but again fails to explain which is which. Each contestant pleads their case, both saying the other is a bigger threat. In the heat of the moment Alex calls one his father and the other his mother, before he and Brenda record their votes.

However, before they can reveal their votes Hayley reveals that there is something they should know before they reveal their votes, before an ad break is revealed. When we come back, Hayley continues by explaining that no one actually had to be eliminated, echoing the very first elimination, but it was Alex and Brenda’s choice. While it would have been justice had they decided to vote Margie out, both Alex and Brenda decided not to cast a vote, though Alex’s attempt at humour had them rolling in the aisles. So, as a result, Margie, Kasey, Alex and Brenda headed home, each a possible winner of the title of Biggest Loser and $220,000.

    The Final

Hayley introduces the reason for the show. The finding of love. Then the recap of all recaps, showing faces from the past. Those we loved, those we hated. The forgotten season of Biggest Loser – Fantasy Island. And then shots of this season cast. Cast? Is this not real? One thing in common. Lonely, And overweight. OK that’s two things in common. Also annoying. That makes three. Mish says it’s no holiday, but it’s kind of like a holiday because they don’t have to work.

First Selena, Michelle and Bek. Selena hasn’t actually lost any weight, but has gained something. Self respect or some such drivel. In comparison Michelle and Bek look kind of like models, though not models in particular high demand. They smile and wave to the audience. Then Hayley interviews each of them. She asks the big question: Hamish. Michelle skirts around the issue, particularly the issue of Hamish’s meat skirt. Bek has lost her middle and is now only a top and bottom. Bek says she wants to embrace life, but not including the eating part of life. Before Hayley can question Selena she’s had enough and left the show again.

Next it’s Luke, Ryan, James and Hamish. Lots of crying. Luke says he made a fatal mistake, but appearances would suggest he didn’t die. Is he god? Luke and James first, and neither has leant how to tuck a shirt in, but maybe that’s because the skin has got in the way. Luke has his boobs pinned back, and the audience looks on horrified. James tells Hayley he had to make sure he followed through. Disgusting. Luke had to fight his demons on the outside. Booze, food, anger, plus that little one with the big horns.

Ryan and Hamish are next, and Ryan tries to eat Hamish. Ryan is still packing plenty, mainly down the front of his pants. Hamish almost has a face. Ryan has two. Hayley asks the big question of Hamish, but his answer about friendship confirms what we all knew. The romance has petered out.

Red team come out next, sans Brenda and Margie. Lisa and Lydia are thin, and Lydia is muscular. The obvious question about Simon and Lisa’s relationship comes up. Lisa says that with Simon she’s learning to trust, as he’s taught her many a con artists favourite trick.

Black team are last, with Graham, Simon and Shane. Shane’s oversized suit hides a myriad of sins. Simon looks better. Graham has more chins than a Chinese phone book. 2 more in fact, because the name “Chin” has been banned in China. Graham reveals he’s now the most popular man in Carcoar, since Pedro the Paedophile passed away. Shane admits he needs to be a better role model for his son, and a better model for his June Dally Watkins contract. Simon speaks while Lisa lusts. Hayley says the guys look great, or grapefruit, I’m not sure which.

The trainers are next and don’t they look great. They’ve lost so much… Okay they haven’t really lost anything. But listening to 5 athletes talk (I’m including Hayley here) is a study in something.

And now it’s time for a song. James on piano, Michelle on vocals, Hamish masturbating feverishly in the background. Ironically, it’s a Delta Goodrem song, as Delta’s career soars on another show on another network, winning ratings Biggest Loser can only dream about, if television shows can, indeed, dream. The crowd applauds, Michelle and James hug, Hamish wipes up the mess.

Next the eliminated contests come out in their underthings. Some look good. Others look like Ryan and Selena.

James has lost 43.1kg or 31.62%. But he’s ineligible.
Luke has lost 34.1kg or 23.48%. But he’s ineligible.
Ryan has lost 54.8kg or 22.74%. He is eligible, just not in the bachelor way.
Hamish has lost 48.7kg, or 32.75%. Is he eligible Michelle?
Simon has lost 54kg, or 32.87%. He’s in the lead. Hamish loses again.
Shane has lost 35.3kg, or 21.42%. Worse than Ryan. Worse. Than. Ryan.
Graham has lost 73.4kg, or 35.0S7%. Now in the lead. In this competition only.
Selena has lost 38.4kg, or 23.49%. Hey Shane, you lost less than Selena. Less. Than. Selena.
Michelle has lost43kg, or 38.95%, putting her in the lead and on top of Graham. In this competition only.
Bek has lost 47.3kg, or 37.56%. Not enough to beat Michelle, but she can have Hamish as a consolation prize. If she wants.
Lisa has lost 34.3kg, or 32.92%. Something something Simon.
Lydia has lost 63.1kg, or 44.47%. A clear winner, amongst the losers.
Hayley has lost the respect of her peers.

Now for the final four. We see shots of Margie and she’s a clown. She comes out and looks great. Hayley makes an inappropriate comment about Ellen Degeneres. Next Brenda. She cried a lot, but grew along the way. Comes out and looks incredible. Tiffiny calls Kasey a silent assassin, because you won’t see her coming. But frankly, you don’t see most people coming, unless you’re watching the money shot in “Shave Tails 3”. Kasey is almost unrecognisable as the sliding doors slide open, until she walks into the light. Still, she’s lost a lot of weight and she looks great. Hayley says she looks stunning, like a NSW police officer with a taser.

Alex, who has the highest voice of all the finalists, is last. Commando says “who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” as Alex runs up a hill, but I’m not sure running up a hill is a trick. David Copperfield wouldn’t want to try that at his next big show. He comes out, looking a trim, taut and terrific, 50 year old. Actually he looks a bit older, but that’s what weight loss will do to you.

Finally, it’s time for the finalists to weigh-in for the final time.

Kasey has lost 54kg, or 40.66%.
Brenda has lost 44.3kg, or 36.67%
Alex has lost 72.2kg, or 44.68%.
Margie has lost 73.2kg, or 46.01%.

And with that, Margie wins Biggest Loser.

Was there ever any doubt?