Beauty and the Geek AustraliaThu 8:30pm, Ch7
Strap yourselves in for a double episode, readers. I ain’t gonna lie, this is going to be hard to watch…

The longer bacterial scientist Dane is in the mansion, the closer he gets to professional bra fitter Millie. His feelings are growing and his confidence buoyed by his new cool guy hair and fitted sweaters. Millie and Dane are sneaking around the hallways with their luggage, shh-ing and tiptoeing. Millie explains that they’re moving in together so they can enjoy some quality time, in case one of them goes home this week. Separate beds though. It’s all good, clean fun here.

The next morning, Curry arrives to tell everyone about the week’s tasks. The beauties will be doing maths this week. The geeks will be entering the world of feminine beauty. Kim thinks 5×5=30. Chard is worried about his feminine beauty. Cue the completely unscripted pseudo-studying.

Rich tries to teach Kim with a chalkboard. Kim says ew. Jason tries to teach Kristy with high heels. Kristy knows that 5×100=500 but doesn’t know that 5×200=1000. They needn’t bother showing us Millie and Alin studying because really, hasn’t the tone been set?
To compliment their laughable ignorance, the show neatly fulfils the second requirement of their characterisation by dressing the girls in the style of the eminent American mathematician, Daisy Duke.

Bernard points out that they look fresh as daisies… Daisy Duke, that is. Whoever writes the script for this show needs to call me immediately. The challenge is cleverly called, ‘Car Wash Maths’. To teach the beauties that it’s important to let your intelligence shine as much as your looks, they will be washing dirty cars in tiny shorts and hopefully getting all soapy and giggly. Oh, and doing some maths.

Five cars drive in, completely covered in mud. The geeks step out of the cars, see the girls in almost no shorts and forget all the maths they know. The beauties must wash the mud to get three answers to equations on their board. The first one is 15+16=? Kristy nails it by counting it out on her fingers. Alin thinks it’s like, the hardest one ever. Kim gets it first. The second equation is 9×6=? Kim gets this one immediately too. The third and final equation is 184 divided by 4. Clearly I don’t have that symbol on my keyboard. Panic ripples through the beauties as mirth ripples through the geeks. There’s a lot of worried staring. Kim, however, comes through for the third time and comes up with a 46. She’s right, she wins, Rich is pleased. Kim announces she’s really a geek. Which makes Rich the dense beauty. Interesting…

Now it’s time for some more bad acting as the beauties spontaneously think of ways to educate the geeks on feminine beauty. Millie tweezes Chard’s brows and curls his eyelashes. Alin gives Dane a beauty wrap. For the uninitiated, that involves having goo rubbed all over you, and then being wrapped in gladwrap. Kristy is teaching Jason that toothpaste will make pimples disappear, which isn’t true. She also teaches him that haemorrhoid cream will make bags under your eyes disappear. That one’s true.

The challenge this week is a scary one. The geeks will be required to cut, colour and style the hair of women who have come to a beauty school for a makeover.

Jason charmingly introduces himself to Melissa, the woman he’ll be styling. Or, tormenting. He tells her that he’s got a vision for her. He plans to give her a tail, because dragons have tails, and dragons are cool. Oh Jason.

Chard introduces himself to Vanessa. She is filled with false hope at the sight of his beautiful new hair. He assures Vanessa that he’s cut hair before.

Dane is worried that he can’t cut straight, and was never good at colouring in. He asks his lady if she wants red or blue hair?
Cody is planning a fringe. A differently coloured fringe. He decides to start with the colour – as opposed to say, washing or cutting – and begins to paint her head with purple dye.

Jason is dying his lady’s hair a violent shade of red, explaining that he’s going for a ‘Misty-from-Pokemon’ look. He’s clearly got more of an idea than some of the others, and it could well pay off.

Chard is dyeing Vanessa’s fringe pink, because girls like pink. Dane tells his client that the water rinsing her hair looks like blood. Cody has completely freaked out his client, who looks like she’ll run screaming the second he releases his grip on her now-partially-purple hair. Then, he dripped water on her face. Who on earth is volunteering for this? Dane has cut his client’s hair too short. She begins cursing. BECAUSE IF YOU WANT GOOD HAIR, YOU TOTALLY SIGN UP FOR THIS. Gaaaaaah. Dane looks very guilty, even though the choice of style was supposed to be completely up to him.

It’s time for final touches. Chard is trimming the hot pink fringe he’s bestowed on Vanessa. Dane is scolded for the hairdryer being too cold, and then too hot. Where’d they get this high-maintenance delight from? Cody horrifies Chontelle with his inability to straighten hair correctly. Jason is plaiting Melissa’s flaming hair with trembling fingers and Curry calls time. It’s all over.

There will be two winners of the hair challenge, who will proceed to some kind of final. There’s been no spandex yet this episode, so my money is on some kind of cycling or gymnastic event. Jason is smiling so proudly at his Misty makeover that he can’t not win. The judge agrees, and Jason and Chard are moving on. Jason is smiling his little face off.

Jason and Chard are left unspandex-ed and informed that they will be proceeding to the waxing room. There will be six clients waiting for a leg wax. The first one to complete the waxing wins. Bernard calls wax on, wax off. It’s a chaotic whirl of ripping and tugging and squealing and yanking. Among the six clients are a pair of men’s legs each, providing the requisite howls of man pain. Jason rips his way to his first victory, beaming and sticky.

Bernard tells the contestants to go back to the mansion and fancy up for a grand feast. Everyone is excited. I don’t know why. The table is laid out with those fancy silver cover things, which the contestants agree to uncover all at once. One… two… three… DISEMBODIED HEADS!!!!!!!!! Each plate has the head of an eliminated beauty or geek poking out of it. Where’s my Jessica????? She’s never read a book… bless.

Bernard arrives wearing a depressingly cheap rip-off of Hugh Hefner’s smoking jacket. I’ll forgive him though, because he has extremely interesting news. Kristy and Jason and Kim and Rich will be using their hard-earned power for good, instead of evil. They will each nominate an eliminated couple who will face off in a salvation round. The winners will re-enter the game; the geek presumably, will get a makeover. Rich neatly dropped Greta right before she exited the game, so it’ll be interesting to see whether he nominates her to come back.

After the party, the girls congregate in the hot tub to talk about which geeks are hot, post-makeover. The boys let them discuss it quickly before deciding to give them a treat by joining them in brightly coloured Speedos. Chard gets super flirty, that red-haired devil, and the girls lap it up. Dane and Millie are outed as a couple to whoops and whistles. Dane wants to officialise it though, so when they’re out of the spa, he takes her aside for a talk. They exchange some feelings and then Dane leaves her for a sec to go get something. Dane fetches Bella the unicorn to do his dirty work for him. Dane (in unicorn voice) “Millie… will you go out with Dane?” The boy knows his audience. Millie says yes, and they’re now boyfriend and girlfriend. Awww…. kissy kissy.

Jason and Kristy want to bring back someone who’ll be on their side. Good thinking. They think Jess and Nathan (yes!) or Bre and Oliver (yes!). Tricky, tricky. Kim thinks Nikki and Jack or Greta and Yiran. What will Rich say?

It’s crunch time and Rich announces that they have chosen Jack and Nikki. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Greta. Jack is overwhelmed at the chance to build up his confidence and get a makeover. So sweet. Jason announces that they’ve chosen Jess and Nathan, their besties.
As much as I love Jessica – and absence has shown me that it’s a lot – I think Jack probably needs it more than Nathan, the affable millionaire.

The topic for the salvation quiz is second chances. No one sprained anything there. The geeks will be up first. Jack is asked a question about Pink. I know she spells her name with punctuation, but she’s wrong. Jack gets it right. Nathan is asked about Robbie Williams and his boy band. Nathan does not know that it’s Take That, which is fair enough. Jack is asked to identify our country’s greatest sporting hero, Steven Bradbury. He nails it. Nathan is asked a question about Drew Barrymore. He gets it right. The beauties walk into a 2-1 game.

Nikki asked about John Howard. She answers John Howard. 3-1. Jessica must get the next one right to stay in the game. She knows that “second wind” means a burst of energy. Score. 3-2. Nikki can win the game with the next question. Nikki guesses Ian Thorpe failed a comeback at the London 2012 Olympics. She’s right, and they’re back. Jessica, I will miss you all over again. Jack, let’s get that beard off you, son.

The next morning, Jack and Nikki make thank-you pancakes for Kim and Rich. Awww. Boyfriend Dane makes his Girlfriend Millie a beautiful one-weekaversary surprise with a morning tea with cupcakes and fairy bread and a room filled with balloons. She’s very happy, despite her balloon phobia.

There’s no time for a weeks respite, as it’s a double episode this week. Curry appears to tell the contestants about the next challenges. The geeks will be entering a bodybuilding challenge… there’s the spandex. Kristy says, “Body building and Jason are just not in the same sentence,” impressing everyone with her grasp on grammar. Bernard continues on to talk about the beauties’ heroes, guessing that Kim Kardashian is probably a big one. Millie agrees, explaining that Kim Kardashian is both beautiful and leader of the Pussycat Dolls. I don’t know whether it’s worse that she’s wrong, or that I know she’s wrong. The beauties will be embodying the geeks’ idols this week. A scantily clad lady Einstein just popped into my head for some reason…

I was wrong, they’re in camouflage short shorts. My bad. The beauties will be solving picture puzzles of the geeks’ idols. The puzzle pieces need to be removed from glass cages that also contain eels, rats and worms. The first two puzzles are of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Alin helpfully explains that Bill Clinton found computers, and Stevie Jobs works in a lab. Just for those playing at home.
As you can imagine, the next few minutes is shrieking and hopping and squealing. Kristy tells us it’s her worst nightmare, which means she’s never read ‘1984’.

Millie is scared of balloons, but fears no creatures, and leaps ahead with the puzzle pieces. Unfortunately she has the jaws mixed up. Kristy just beats her and will proceed to the final round. The second round is much the same and Chontelle is moving forward. This time, they will be retrieving pieces of a Mark Zuckerberg puzzle out of boxes filled with mystery creatures.

Kristy is absolutely freaking out. The three boxes contain ducklings – amazing, beautiful ducklings – sausages and lychees, and a hand grabbing at them through some gel. The fear of the unknown has gripped them entirely. Chontelle is terrified and Kristy is crying her eyes out, saying something is biting her. I want a duckling SO much. Kristy loses it on the final box (ducklings!) and Chontelle takes the challenge out.

It’s time to reveal the snags, ducklings (my heart hurts) and goo-hand. The girls take it very well. There’s good news for Jack too, cause it’s time for his makeover. They don’t rely on much filler this time around, and the doors open to reveal a new, smiling, cool-guy Jack with Fresh Prince hair and an awesome jacket. He’s handsome and beaming and Nikki is about to eat him. Dane says he looks like Wolverine.

Nikki wastes no time and decides to give Jack a lesson in how to pick her up. Does he have a say in this?

It’s time for the bodybuilding challenge, held at the exotic Castle Hill RSL. The geeks parade around in man-thongs with extreme fake tan for a pose-off. It goes just about how you’d imagine, with a surprise contestant; the poster child for anabolic steroids and teeth whitening. It’s not nice. Jason and his nipple ring are up first against the tanned Hulk. Then the rest. Yeah, I’ve got mad recapping skills. The posing is followed by a freestyle round which involved prancing. Jack busts a move. Jason does a kind of electronic dance with a light saber. Rich has a wig and an axe. Chard is an angel, complete with wings and halo. Cody does a seductive style… something. Dane came out as some kind of Roman emperor, impressing Millie with his “perky bottom”. The audience gets to vote and the winner is Dane. He is very proud.

Dane thinks Rich has learned enough and they should nominate Kim and Rich, but Alin is leaning towards Jason and Kristy again. Chontelle and Cody think Kim and Rich are the biggest threat but Cody is chickening out. It’s time to call it. Chontelle announces that they’re nominating Nikki and Jack, basically because they’re new kids on the block. Dane announces that they’re nominating Kristy and Jason. Kristy and Jason can NOT catch a break. Jason is devastated.

The elimination quiz is upon us after an exhausting two hours. The girls will answer questions on creepy crawlies. Ducklings! Nikki gets her first question right, solving a picture puzzle. Kristy also answers her first one correctly, knowing that arachnophobia is a fear of spiders. Nikki is asked which astrology sign is named after a creepy crawly. She correctly answers ‘Scorpio’. Kristy is asked what maggots are the babies of. She knows it’s flies. Clean sweep and the scores are 2-2. The boys are up. Jack incorrectly guesses that Eminem was a Calvin Klein model. Jason answers a question about Ryan Gosling correctly, putting Jack and Nikki in danger. Jack is asked which supermodel infamously said that she wouldn’t work for less than $10,000 a day. He doesn’t know it’s Linda Evangelista and it’s hometime for Jack and Nikki.

Next week: the boys are cowboys! The girls geek up! Dane’s glasses fog over!