Beauty and the Geek AustraliaThu 8:30pm, Ch7

Beauties and Geeks frolic in bubbles? Weird opening!

The day begins with the beauties attempting to out the millionaire. It could be Chard because it sounds posh, like Chardonney. It could be Oliver, because he’s from England and they all live in castles. It could be Rich, because his name is rich… this is real Poirot stuff here.

The geek’s task for the week is to delve into the fashion photography world. Rich hopes he gets to design a wind tunnel. Chard hopes he can pose while tossing his long, World of Warcraft hair. The beauties will be tested on the English language. Alin is worried because she speaks English, but that’s about it. Courtney says she’s good at “punch… punk… punkchuation.”

I made fun of the girls before, but Oliver so has a millionaire’s voice. I think he’s a prince.

The spelling challenge begins and to put the girls at ease, the beauties arrive in bright yellow bikinis, temporarily halting Chard’s cognitive processes. They must swim through a giant inflatable pool of sticky, syrupy consonants. The vowels can be found in the second pool, filled with feathers. They then must make words on their easels. The beauties are really confused about what continents and vowels are but are happy to bounce through the game anyway. The first round is for three-letter words.

Jessica is determined to make CAT, but only has a C, O and T and that can’t make any words so she comes last. Millie makes MAP to win the round. The first six girls continue to round 2. Bre tries to get an ‘E’ because it’s like pink, it goes with everything. Kristy is trying to make HOUSE, because it’s a four-letter word. Courtney ends up with REEB, which looks familiar. In an indictment of our education system, she has time to be confused and then realise she can swap the B and R to make BEER and still get through.

Millie has had less luck this round and ended up with SARG. Four beauties continue to the final round, where they must make a five-letter word. Bre takes the day with the word GREAT, and even puts it in a sentence. Oliver is thrilled but uses the word ‘unambiguous’, totally stealing Bre’s five-letter spotlight.

Now it’s back to the mansion for some social situations. Rich has the hots for Greta. She’s the electron to his proton. He’s assembled his crack team of wingmen to assist him with his woo. He wants to write her a letter inviting her to hang out alone tonight. Dane suggests a poem, rhyming ‘Greta’ with ‘letter’. Genius. Jason suggests a more romantic route. Barry White could take smooth lessons from this guy. Rich opts for efficiency and aerodynamics, which is an excuse to not express his feelings and to make a paper plane.


The girls are discussing who will be hot post-makeover where Rich’s love missile flies into the room. Rich has signed the note ‘kind regards’. Gold.

Rich is nervously awaiting Greta’s arrival. She arrives, also nervous. It’s all very cute. I hope they hold hands. There’s some giggling and elbowing each other. Rich hopes he’s flirting correctly. They trade awkward compliments, Rich gives her a lollipop and then there’s hugging and then IT’S ALL KISSY FACE. Greta promptly runs out of the room after the kissing finishes while Rich does a little victory dance.

Millie is teaching Chard and his amazing hair how to pose. He’s not great at it, and she feels discoloured. Discouraging, no? Honestly, you couldn’t write this stuff. Kristy is trying to teach Jason how to catwalk. It’s hilarious. Outside, Chontelle and Alin are asking Dane and Cody if they know about photography. Dane helpfully offers that he knows about photosynthesis. The beauties punish them by trying to teach them sexy face.

Enough practise, it’s challenge time. Chard feels like Jack O’Neill going through the Stargate for the first time. I think that means he feels nervous, but if he just said that, we’d forget that he’s a geek. Bernard tells them all the exciting news. The geeks will be taking the photos, and the beauties will be posing. In underwear. Every contestant (except Kristy) is thrilled about this challenge. The geeks will also be styling and directing the shoot, undoubtedly with hilarious consequences.

Step One was to nervously touch lingerie for the first time. Jason wonders why the lingerie is so impractical? Like even for sleeping? The girls see their outfits for the first time and are all outraged, in a giggly, eye-batting, thrust out your bosoms kind of way.
Bre is first and guesses that the theme Rich has chosen is ‘alien hooker’. Fair guess. Rich tells her that it’s an underwater theme, but close enough. She disrobes and quite frankly, she looks ridiculous. She has like four tops on. She climbs into a fake bubble and tries to look lost. She succeeds.

Jason has done an excellent job, styling Kristy in dark purple and black corset set. He’s never seen a girl in lingerie before and wasn’t sure what to expect. She immediately covers herself with a pink robe, feather boa, white gloves and a cushion… it’s weird. I get that it’s confronting though, and it’s comforting to know that at least one of them isn’t only on the show to get into Zoo. Jason asks her to try for sultry and she grit her teeth and smiles, but it’s okay, because he’s just thinking about impractical garments.

Nathan is inspired by propaganda models from recruitement in WWII. Jessica is shocked to learn there was a war in the 1940s. Was there? It’s not her fault. She’s never read a book. Thankfully, she makes up for it by being pretty.

Chontelle and Cody are trying out a superhero theme. Boring. Alin is very impressed at the flower print Dane has chosen for her lingerie because flowers are her thing. Dane is impressed too, but by different things. Yiran wants to channel Victoria’s Secret and Greta ends up on a chaise as the devil with a white bottom lip, growling. It’s weird, but he has fun. Matt is photographing Courtney, who is bigger than the bugs he usually photographs. He’s trying to channel David Attenborough. Courtney is trying to channel a leopard and then they both have a roar, which frightens guest judge Brynne Edelstein half to death. Poor Brynne.

It’s time to announce the winner. Dane and Alin have taken it with their floral themed photoshoot, which not only looked good but was based around her personality. Dane goes pink with glee. It’s a bit lovely.

There’s a dubious honour that comes with winning immunity, and that’s having to nominate another couple for elimination. Bre and Oliver have to nominate first, and they’re offering up Courtney and Matt to the trivia battleground. Courtney is already in tears and Matt isn’t far off. Dane and Alin will nominate their competitors.

Dane begins by saying that he takes complete responsibility for the decision and Alin is not to be blamed in any way, offering a small insight into her obvious failure, to you know, have a spine. Voice cracking, Dane names the unlucky duo – Kristy and Jason. Jason immediately forgives the emotional Dane because he’s the nicest guy in the world. I super love Jason. Sorry, Matt and Courtney, but I’m going to need you to go home.

Courtney is still devastated and can’t stop crying. Whatever happens in elimination is going to be brutal. The first round of trivia will be played by the beauties. They will each answer two questions on the English language. Courtney correctly identifies a noun and scores the first point. Kristy correctly identifies that there are 21 consonants in the alphabet. It’s the tensest grade 3 quiz ever.

Courtney is asked where the appropriate place to masticate is and although she seems confused, she says the dining room. Let’s move on. Kristy is asked to spell the word jewellery and stuffs it up, which I can’t criticise because that’s one of my blind spots. They’re one point down. Jason is crushed. So am I.

The boys are up, answering fashion questions. Matt’s up first. He correctly names Blue Steel as the famous pose from Zoolander. Jason knows that Miranda Kerr is married to Orlando Bloom. YESSSSSS. Matt gets the next question WRONG, which means Jason has a CHANCE. Jason! Come on! Where are a lady’s bangs???? FRINGE. NAILED IT. Time for a tiebreaker. The boy with the closest answer will win. How many international versions of Vogue are published around the world? Jason says 10. Matt says 4. The answer is 19. JASON IS SAFE. JASON IS SAFE. JASON IS STAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Kristy, apparently. WOOOHOOOOHOOOOOO!!

I quite like Matt and Courtney, and I’m sorry to see them go, but JASON. They say that they’ve learned and stuff, and Matt isn’t shy any more. Hooray! JASON!

Next week: everyone hugs! Yiran smack talks Rich! THE MILLIONAIRE IS REVEALED!