Beauty and the Geek Australia – Thu 8:30pm, Ch7
Tonight on Beauty and the Geek! Beauties! Geeks! And the!
The gates swing open to the Beauty and the Geek mansion and through it rolls a bathtub carrying two young men wearing dorky jumpers. The whimsy of the bathtub is delightful but is Channel 7 insinuating that cleanliness is only for the socially awkward? Have they ever been to a ‘Magic the Gathering’ tournament?
The geek parade begins. The bathtub is followed by a happy man on a scooter, a Daalik, a folding bicycle and a solar powered golf cart. It’s time to meet the geeks.
JACK. EXPERIMENTALIST. (what??) LIKES CHESS. PLAYS UKELELE.
OLIVER. LAW STUDENT. HAPPY ON SCOOTERS.
CHARD. BIONIC LIMB EXPERT. NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND.
RICH. ROCKET ENGINEER. HAS BEARD.
JASON. ADORABLE IN A STACKHAT.
MATT. COLLECTS INSECTS. LOOKS WISTFUL IN BATHTUBS. CAN ROAR.
DANE. BACTERIAL SCIENTIST.
CODY. WEBMASTER. NEVER BEEN KISSED.
This motley crew of intellectual young men collect their Hawaiian-shirted, beard-faced, bespectacled selves in a nice reality TV line-up. All except Jason, who can’t get his folding bicycle to stay up.
JASON. TOWN PLANNER. 70s CLOTHING. CROOKED SMILE.
I already have a crush on him. (Not really. Have own lovely husband who is good at maths.)
Bernard Curry – nice man, delicious name – welcomes them. Bernard points out that they could launch a satellite no problem, cause they’re all so smart, but if there were ladies around they would probably struggle to launch. Except he used better grammar and tortured the metaphor more. We get it, all brains, no broads. BRING OUT THE HIGH-HEELED ORANGEY LADY PEOPLE.
Jack the experimentalist explains that he spends most of his time in his room and there aren’t many women in there, so he doesn’t get to meet many. Dane would like to have more to talk to women about than viruses. These are small and perfect dreams.
Bernard asks the guys if they’re ready and the boys are all very excited. They express their excitemet with some science metaphors and then it’s time to cue the pop music and bring out the beauties.
The girls sail in riding in expensive convertibles, which is boring because I don’t know anything about cars. One’s yellow, one’s black, some are motorbikes, none of them are bathtubs. They all say WOOOOOOOO. Let’s meet them.
KRISTY. WINDOW DRESSER. LAUGHS LIKE A DYING HYENA (her words).
KIM. FAKE TANNER.
COURTNEY. RECEPTIONIST. MAY OR MAY NOT THINK GIBBERISH IS A REAL LANGUAGE.
MILLIE. PROFESSIONAL BRA FITTER. THINKS SHE HAS A NICE BUM (can’t confirm, am indifferent.)
ALIN. HIGH HEEL COLLECTOR.
GRETA. HAIR REMOVALIST (not bald).
NIKKI. NANNY. TALKS MORE THAN BREATHES.
BRE. BARBIE ENTHUSIAST.
CHONTELLE. TRAINEE MAKEUP ARTIST.
JESSICA. STEWARDESS. HAS NEVER READ A BOOK.
Bright colours. High heels. Incessant squealing. The beauties have arrived.
Millie can’t wait to meet the geeks. She laughs and claps her hands. The geeks are clustered in terror. The beauties enter the room and only a partition wall separates the contestants. The beauties are tossing their hair at breakneck speeds and every single geek looks like he wants to spew.
Jessica is confused as to why there is a wall. It’s not her fault. She’s never read a book. It would be awesome if the big twist was not the overdone ‘secret millionaire’ thing but more like, SURPRISE! You are now all legally married! Maybe next season?
Anyway. Bernard explains how the pairing up is going to work and he doesn’t do a brilliant job but the crux of the matter is that if you like the sound of them, you bags them by kissing them. Kind of like licking your food so your sister won’t eat it. No? Just me? The girls all squealed at the word kissed and the geeks all turn green. Cody is nervous because he’s never been kissed. Chontelle is fine with it because this is the longest she’s gone without kissing someone.
Just when you think it’s finally going to happen, Bernard prolongs it still further by telling the beauties that one of the geeks is a millionaire. They all gasp and discreetly rearrange their cleavage. Courtney admits that guys with money are more attractive. Bre is hoping he’ll buy her presents. Millie is smiling some kind of precious metal excavator.
Adorable Jason is up first. He correctly observes it’s like facing a pack of lions who could rip you to shreds. He tries not to look rich as the revolving door swings him around to face the lady folk. Cue the “awwwwww.”
Jason shows off his mad dance moves and Kristy steps up immediately and kisses him on the cheek. Jason is chuffed.
Jessica is up next. She revolves around to the boys and immediately starts explaining that her friends call her storage unit because her boobs are like a storage unit. She demonstrates by pulling items out of her cleavage. It’s not her fault. She’s never read a book. Nathan the programmer takes pity on her.
Rich is claimed by Kim. Alin scores a kiss on the hand from Dane. Matt arms himself with a bug display and Courtney rushes him. She hopes they can be butterflies together.
Nikki is chosen by Jack. Chard is chosen by Millie for his lovely red hair. Bre the Barbie enthusiast ends up with happy Oliver, who promptly has a robot-off with Chard. Chard has the awkward task of explaining to Millie that his name isn’t Chad. Cody tells the final two beauties that he’s never been kissed, but he likes chess and he hopes that they can be checkmates. They are charmed, race over and kiss him. Cody gets to choose and goes for Chontelle because “Webmasters prefer blondes.” Oh. So. Creepy.
Greta is last and steps into the revolving door to meet her geek. There’s noone there and she’s terrified she’ll be sent home. Curry comforts her by telling her that her geek will be joining them in the evening, as he is completing an exam.
Jason shows Kristy his Warhammer paint. Kristy shows Jason her g-strings and bras. Jack explains to Nikki that studying pharmacy has nothing to do with farms The beauties and the geeks split up to gossip about who they think is hot. The girls like Rich; Rich likes Greta.
A shadowy figure saunters up to the mansion. Greta’s geek is here.
YIRAN. BOY GENIUS. MED STUDENT. BOW TIE. SPIDERMAN BACKPACK.
The girls swarm all over him. He likes it.
The next morning it’s challenge day. Geeks will be getting macho and beauties will be getting to know their geeks. Rich tries to teach Kim about aerodynamics. She can’t say fuselage. Yiran tells Greta that he wants to be a cosmetic surgeon and help burns victims. Greta asks if he can give her bigger boobs.
Everyone is in school uniforms. Curry explains that the challenge is to see who knows their geek best… physically. Jessica is very worried because she hasn’t had a chance to perv on Nathan in the shower yet.
The geeks are placed in rainbow coloured lockers with strategically placed holes. The beauties will put their hands in the lockers to see if they can identify their geek by touch alone. The geeks are very, very excited. What will be henceforth be known as ‘The Groping Challenge’ begins.
Groping. Giggling. Jason tries to think very hard about town planning. Chontelle thinks she’s located Cody. She’s wrong, and they’re out of the challenge. The webmaster forgives her, because she’s blond. The challenge continues and Jessica accidentally grabs Matt in his gentleman’s area. It’s not her fault. She’s never read a book. Millie is very excited because she thinks she has located Chard. She hasn’t, but she has learned his name. Baby steps.
Alin thinks she’s identified Dane’s beard but she’s wrong. Kristy thinks she’s identified Jason and his skinny shoulders. She is correct and they chalk up the first win for the competition. They win immunity and the responsibility to send someone to elimination.
Back at the mansion, it’s spa time for the geeks. Finally. It’s been like half an episode. Rich is quizzed about Greta and deflects, nerd style. Dane can’t let chlorine in his eyes so he’s wearing goggles like a happy little supervillain. Beauties arrive. Geeks freeze. The beauties all think Rich is a bit of alright but Greta is actually trying to hook in.
The geeks all have a training session the next to get a bit more macho pre-challenge. Cody says “I’m not very macho… I can lift pizza.” I don’t know if he’s trying to be funny or not, which is what this show is all about.
Finally, it’s challenge time and the theme is Bond. The geeks must kick through a door, climb onto a platform twenty metres off the ground and leap off. Chard does the physics in his head and decides he’s weeing himself. The geeks must alight on the ground and deliver their best pick-up line to their waiting beauty. Here are some examples of what we can expect.
“I don’t really have pick-up lines. I don’t go to “the club”.”
“Feel my jacket – is it boyfriend material?”
“Do you have a map? I’m lost in your eyes.”
There are some guest judges but no one cares. Jason is first and kicks the door repeatedly before finally bursting through. He’s up on the platform and freezes. It’s a scary height and he’s quite nervous. The man jumps. Jason picks himself up and goes over to Kristy. “Hi. My name’s Jason and you can call me… tonight…”
Dane is pretending to be covalent bond instead of James Bond. It seems to work and he sails through the obstacles. “Are you an alien? Because you’re out of this world.”
Geeks continue to climb, kick, jump, and woo.
“If I was going to rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.” Nikki did not understand this. SHE IS A NANNY. IT IS AN ALPHABET JOKE.
The winner of the geek’s macho challenge is Nathan. Jessica is very proud of him and even tears up, so I won’t do the book joke right now. They’re safe and will also be sending a team to the elimination face-off.
This bit of the game is rotten; it’s time to nominate other teams to battle it out in elimination. Jason and Kristy choose Nikki and Jack. They reckon that they haven’t bonded as well as the other teams. Nikki is upset. Jack explains the alphabet joke to cheer her up. Nathan and Jessica are nominating Greta and Yiran because he’s already charismatic. Greta has some feelings.
There’s some filler where they pack, study, say goodbye. Rich takes Greta outside for some flirty time, just in case it’s their last moments together. But it’s elimination time.
The ladies are answering questions first, so the boys leave the room. Nikki is asked about classic Rubik’s cube colours. She forgets a cube has six sides. Greta is asked about the author of e=mc2. She doesn’t know. Nikki is asked about Spock’s lineage. She bombs. Greta is asked what h2o is. She incredibly says water.
The boys return; the girls leave. Jack gets an Austen Powers question. Why are they getting geek questions too? Yiran gets a really hard one right. Huzzah. Jack needs to get the next one right to stay in the game. How many Bond films did Roger Moore star in? He says two. I say five. The answer is seven. Nikki and Jack are going home. Yiran and Greta are sticking around.
Next week: Rich writes a love letter! The girls try and spell! Jessica HAS NEVER READ A BOOK. Brilliant.